


Pas de Deux

by ravenbringslight



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Worship, Cheating, Coming Untouched, Crying During Sex, Denial of Feelings, Diary/Journal, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, First Time, Halloween Costumes, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Pining, Sibling Incest, Size Kink, Slow Burn, Snooping, Underage Drinking, Very brief but just wanna be safe, a lot of fucking swearing, ballet dancer loki, brief mention of suicidal thoughts, extended dance metaphors, lacrosse player thor, loki is a terrible terrible tease, loki's brain is a bag of cats, seriously, soap opera levels of drama, the tiniest bit of frostiron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-02 07:56:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 23,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10940265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenbringslight/pseuds/ravenbringslight
Summary: Bitter high school senior Loki snoops through his older brother's things and not-so-accidentally finds his diary. He decides to use the information not for good or for evil, but for chaos.Loki had no excuse.He shouldn’t have been in Thor’s room in the first place and he definitely shouldn’t have been looking through his drawers and he absolutely positively shouldn’t have opened the notebook he found in there andno way in hellshould he have read even one page of it let alone all of it.Nope, Loki had no excuse and not even really a good reason except that his brother had been annoying him lately and he was a nosy asshole.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell about thorki with me at <https://raven-brings-light.tumblr.com/>.
> 
> For people worried about ages, Thor is 19 and Loki is 18.
> 
> *update*  
> Now with gorgeous fanart by two wonderful artists!! (pretty much spoiler free)  
> [Loki reading the diary](http://neveserene.tumblr.com/post/163845074335/uhh-so-i-wished-i-did-this-earlier-and-yeah-but-i) by neveserene  
> [Loki and Thor](https://golikethatcat.tumblr.com/post/163590460474/pas-de-deux-illustration-for-the-superb) by golikethatcat  
> Thank you so much, loves, I can never thank you enough. <3 <3 <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [lokidreamsinbw](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokidreamsinbw/pseuds/lokidreamsinbw) made an [awesome photo montage](https://lokidreamsinbw.tumblr.com/post/160848690328/lokidreamsinbw-raven-brings-light-did-this-one) for chapter one! It's so fabulous, thank you darling!

Loki had no excuse. 

He shouldn’t have been in Thor’s room in the first place and he definitely shouldn’t have been looking through his drawers and he absolutely positively shouldn’t have opened the notebook he found in there and _no way in hell_ should he have read even one page of it let alone all of it.

Nope, Loki had no excuse and not even really a good reason except that his brother had been annoying him lately and he was a nosy asshole.

Thor was at lacrosse practice, gone for at least the next hour, so Loki plopped right down on his bed and gleefully opened to the last page.

**VV looked so beautiful today** , he read in Thor’s chicken scratch handwriting, **and was in such a good mood. It made my heart ache.** Loki wrinkled his nose in distaste. Thor was writing about _girls_? And in such a cheesy way? It was faintly nauseating. Undeterred however, he pressed on, reading backwards chronologically.

**VV laughed at one of my jokes today.** Jesus, was the entire thing about this “VV” chick? **I love the way his voice sounds when he laughs and I love being the reason for it. He doesn’t laugh nearly enough.** Oh, this was more interesting. VV was a _guy_. Loki blinked down at the page for a moment. Thor had had girlfriends before, none since he had started community college, but Jane in high school had been more than just a fling. He’d had no idea that Thor was interested in guys too. Well well.

He flipped backwards through a few more pages, mostly boring day-to-day shit, a few pathetic attempts at love poetry - eyes like stars, lips like rose petals, forbidden love. Barf.

**Sometimes I see VV bending over and I just want to grab that tight little ass and fuck him into next week. It makes me feel so guilty. I can’t stop thinking about it though. I don’t want to stop thinking about it is the bigger problem.** Oh ho ho, that was a bit spicier. Loki wondered if he could figure out who this VV person was. Were they initials? What dude names started with V? Victor? Valentine? Uh…

**I can never tell him. He can never know. Sometimes I feel like I might explode with this secret but so far I don’t think he suspects anything.**

Why all the angst, Thor? Why not just let this dude know that he was into him? Maybe VV was taken. Or maybe he wasn’t gay. Loki guessed it would be pretty awful to have a crush on someone who would never be into you that way.

He knew he should stop reading. He wasn’t really getting any actual dirt. He didn’t care that Thor liked guys. Hell, he liked guys too. Sorry mom, guess you aren’t getting all those grandkids you probably want…

But then he thought of how irritating Thor had been lately. How he had started community college and suddenly gone from being Loki’s best friend to basically avoiding him as much as possible without so much as an explanation. If they’d had an argument it might be understandable - Lord knows they’d had their share of knock-down drag-out fights - but there had been nothing. Just one day Thor was there and the next he wasn’t. And damned if Loki wasn’t going to find out why.

Maybe it was VV’s fault. Thor had probably met VV at school and maybe now that he had someone to focus his attention on he didn’t have enough to spare for his annoying little brother. The thought made Loki seethe.

So he kept reading.

**VV came downstairs today for breakfast in his tight ass ballet leggings and I nearly had a stroke.**

Wait.

Hold the fuck up.

Hold. The fuck. Up.

Record scratch. Freeze frame.

**_VV came downstairs today for breakfast in his tight ass ballet leggings and I nearly had a stroke._ **

Loki looked down at what he was wearing - his clothes for dance practice later - a slim fitting v-neck t-shirt and leggings that could only accurately be described as “tight ass.”

Where else could Thor be watching people _come downstairs for breakfast_ in _ballet leggings_ except right here at home.

Holy shit.

No wonder that fucker was so angsty.

VV was Loki.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing these pretty quickly and they're unbeta-ed so please let me know if you see any grammatical errors.

Loki slowly closed Thor’s diary. Methodically, he put it back in the drawer, jumbled all the underwear and socks back on top of it, and closed Thor’s door behind him. He moved robot-like down the hallway to his own room, staring straight ahead, and then laid carefully down on his bed with his hands crossed over his chest like he was a pharaoh in a _fucking sarcophagus_ because he was dead he was _fucking dead_ , deceased, RIP, don’t send flowers, his own brother wanted to _fuck him_.

Jesus Christ on goddamn toast.

He stared at the ceiling for awhile, mind blank.

This was…unexpected to put it exceedingly mildly.

It cast a whole new light on - well, everything, really.

He began to mentally run back through the past few months. It all made sense now, why Thor had dropped him like a hot potato. He tried to remember. Had there been any weird touches? Staring? _Innuendo?_ Shit, he hadn’t been paying attention to stuff like that.

Well he sure as hell was going to pay attention to stuff like that now.

He wondered when it had started.

Suddenly, he felt very goddamn angry.

What the fuck, Thor? Why should Loki have to suffer? Why should he have to lose his best friend, his closest confidante, the Robin to his Batman, the Pinky to his Brain, just because Thor couldn’t keep his mind out of the filthy incest gutter? Once again, Thor was making this all about himself, boo hoo, poor noble Thor, manfully abstaining from anything that might drag down his moral purity. It wasn’t fair, is what it was.

Loki made himself get up to leave for dance practice but he fumed the entire way there.

At the beginning of class he found himself watching his lines in the mirror and for the first time he took note of the shape of his own legs and butt in his “tight ass” leggings. They did actually look pretty nice. Hmm.

Class really got going and the exercise was good. It burned off some of the anger. There wasn’t much room for seething murderous rage when the music took over and every ounce of muscle and concentration was needed to force the body into submission, when his partner depended on him to catch her in mid air and not drop her to the floor.

He was sweat soaked and trembling by the end, tendrils of hair escaping his messy bun and sticking to his face and neck.

The drive home was much calmer. It was just getting dark enough to need the headlights. Loki rolled the window down to let the crisp October air cool his damp skin and to listen to the pleasing crunch of dry leaves under the tires. A plan had begun to take shape unconsciously in the back of his mind while he arabesqued and ballotéed his way around the studio. It simmered there now, just under the surface.

The lights were on in the kitchen when Loki pulled into the driveway and through the window he saw Thor’s blonde head sitting at the kitchen table. That selfish asshole. His clenched his jaw and sat in the car for a few minutes to compose himself. He had to act like nothing was different.

Finally he went inside, dropping his keys on the table by the door with an unnecessarily loud clatter.

“Hey Thor,” he said, going into the kitchen. “How was lacrosse?”

“Oh, you know. Fine.” Thor didn’t even look up from his sandwich, his stupid blonde eyelashes all fluttering downward and catching the light. “Actually I need to go do my homework, I’ll see ya.”

Oh that fucker. Still avoiding him.

Loki’s amorphous plan snapped into sudden clarity.

“That’s too bad,” he said with affected nonchalance, casually opening the refrigerator door and bending over with his ass in the air. Should he give it a slight wiggle? Would that be too obvious? “I was hoping we could watch a movie together tonight.”

“Maybe tomorrow,” Thor said. Did he sound strained? Was there a slight squeak in that rumbly voice or was it just wishful thinking?

Loki straightened up and turned around and flashed Thor what he knew was one of his nicer smiles.

“I’d _love_ that,” he said sweetly.

Thor ran upstairs so fast that if he had been a cartoon character he would have left a cloud of dust and a trail of fire.

Oh yes. Loki was going to make him _suffer_.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is going up early today because I'm busy later
> 
> once again, unbeta-ed, let me know if you spot any errors *kisses*

Loki sat in the middle of his bed in lotus position meditating upon life, the universe, and the ruination of supervillain Thor Borsson.

Name: Borsson, Thor  
Aliases: Dumbass, Jerkface, Pinky  
Age: 19  
Eyes: blueish  
Hair: blondeish  
Height: 6’3”  
Weight: built like a brick shithouse  
Strengths: strength, inhuman stubbornness, strength, possibly magical hair, strength  
Weaknesses: pop tarts, wants to fuck his brother

It was probably best to go for straight up physical seduction first.

How _dare_ Thor get a crush on him, _honestly_. This was going to serve him right, the great stupid aurochs. If he was going to shove Loki away, Loki was damn well going to flaunt what Thor was missing.

He already knew Thor liked his ass in leggings. Check. He’d have to rifle through his diary again to see if he had dropped any other nuggets of information about what he found attractive but in the meantime Loki could go for all the bog standard temptations - whoops I dropped something oh no I have to bend over to get it, yadda yadda yadda.

That damn diary. Loki still wasn’t sure if he was happy he’d read it or not. Maybe he would have been better off not knowing.

But no. Thor’s distance and coldness lately were more painful than anything he’d read in the pages of that notebook. And now Loki at least knew why. And knowing was half the battle!

Or so they always said.

The night breeze set his curtains dancing and Loki focused on his breathing and tried to still the quickening of his heartbeat.

*

Loki was surprised to find Thor at the breakfast table the next morning. Loki always had to be up at the ass crack of dawn to catch the bus to school, but Thor’s college classes were later and he usually slept in.

“What are you doing up?” Loki said, padding over to the coffee maker.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Thor said morosely. He was frowning into his own coffee cup like it had mortally offended him. “Don’t bother,” he said as Loki reached for the coffee grounds, “I made you some already.”

“Oh! Thank you.”

This was all very suspicious.

“Mom and dad are already gone for work,” Thor said.

“I knowww,” Loki said slowly, like Thor was a particularly slow child, “I’m up at this time every day.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

Well. Loki hadn’t planned on starting quite so early in the morning, but no time like the present.

Instead of going for frozen waffles like he usually did, he opened the cabinet and reached alllll the way up to the top shelf for the cereal, making sure that his shirt rode up as much as possible to show a little skin. He rummaged a little bit to prolong it. He couldn’t see Thor’s face but he hoped that fucker was watching. This show was for his, er, benefit.

“How about that movie tonight?” Loki said, pouring the milk on his cereal. “It’s Friday, we could even stay up super late and make it a double header. Bake brownies like we’re having a sleepover or some shit. Sigyn says she could get us some beer if we want.”

“Um.” Thor’s eyes were fixed on him as he slowly twirled the spoon over in his mouth, licking off every drop of milk. That’s right, baby, stare. “I don’t know, I think -”

“C’mon Thor, you promised,” Loki pouted. “I’ve barely seen you lately.”

“Yeah, but -”

“I’m not going to let you wiggle out of this one,” Loki said, trying to pitch his voice low. Did it sound sexy? Or just like he needed to clear his throat? Fuck. He was rusty. “I’ll grab something from redbox before you get home today. Don’t argue!” Thor had opened his mouth to say something but closed it when Loki jabbed the spoon in his face.

“Ok.” Thor looked like he was in actual physical pain.

Excellent.

Burn, baby, burn.

Loki had _so many ideas_ how to make Thor’s life hell tonight. The only trouble was going to be choosing. It wouldn’t do to try too many things at once. It would be way too obvious. He needed to seem unconsciously, obliviously sexy, not desperately slutty.

Not that being desperately slutty wasn’t fun.

But, right tools for the job and all that.

By the time he was catching the bus home from school he knew what he was going to do.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You guys I am blown away by the response to this so far. If I could I would hug each and every one of you.
> 
> Now enjoy Loki being a little shit!

Alright, tight dark jeans, check. Deepest v-neck t-shirt in his closet, check. Perfectly straightened hair and killer eyeliner, double check. Loki chewed on the edge of his thumbnail and noticed that his polish was chipped. No time to fix it now, but Thor probably didn’t give a shit about his fingernails anyway.

He dabbed the tiniest bit of cologne on, just enough for someone to get an enticing whiff if he was practically on top of them.

And oh did he plan on being practically on top of someone tonight.

Dinner first though. Frigga liked to make them still all eat dinner together at least once a week for “family enrichment,” as she liked to put it. “Families that eat together stay together!” she’d say in her best doctor voice. Loki thought it was probably a bunch of psychobabble crap, but the rules were the rules, so once a week the four of them all crowded around the kitchen table.

Tonight was spaghetti night.

“Any plans tonight, boys?” Odin asked, reaching for his fourth piece of garlic bread and getting his hand knocked away by his wife.

“I think we’re staying in,” Loki said, smiling at Thor and twirling his pasta. “Watching a movie, catching up on some brotherly bonding time.” He made sure to put a lot of emphasis on _brotherly_.

“Uh, yeah,” Thor stammered. He was suddenly intent on his salad. “Brotherly bonding time.”

Frigga gave them a narrow eyed look. “What are you two up to?”

“Nothing!” they both exclaimed in unison.

“Why, mother,” Loki said, “I am absolutely appalled you could think anything is going on other than junk food and movie watching.”

“Loki, my sweet angel, I was up to no good before you were even a twinkle in your father’s eye,” Frigga said, smirking at Odin who winked back at her. Loki turned to Thor and pantomimed retching motions. “I know you boys probably have alcohol or marijuana. Just…” Frigga sighed. “Be responsible about it, ok? Now help me with these dishes.”

As Loki scrubbed pots he reflected on his terrible life decisions, namely that somehow leading his mother into thinking that he was smoking up in the basement was currently the lesser of two evils. It wasn’t going to stop him though. He eyed Thor surreptitiously as he dried the dishes. Not one bit. 

And Thor hadn’t spoken up against Frigga’s notion either. Guilty conscience, brother?

Odin was snoring on the recliner by 8:30. Frigga had gone upstairs to spend the rest of the night with ice cream, wine, and netflix.

They were alone at last.

“Hey,” Loki said softly, leaning against the kitchen doorway with his hip cocked out. Thor looked up from his phone and swallowed. “How about those brownies?”

He made a show again of rummaging through the cabinet for the brownie mix, making sure his shirt rode up enough to expose his midriff.

“I haven’t seen you a lot lately,” he said lightly.

“I’ve been busy,” Thor said, and he actually managed to sound apologetic, that asshole. “College is different, you know?” They were shoulder to shoulder now at the counter. Loki swayed just slightly enough that their arms kept brushing.

“Well I don’t really know, because you haven’t been around to tell me about it.” Loki had been going for a teasing tone but a bitter edge crept into his voice without his consent. Crap. He mixed the batter a little more forcefully than necessary and it splattered.

Oh and look at that. Some of it landed right on Thor’s face. Perfection.

“Sorry! Here, let me get that,” Loki said, reaching up and languidly swiping his thumb through the batter, almost cupping Thor’s cheek. Thor stared at him, unbreathing, unblinking. Loki couldn’t have looked away from that burning blue gaze if he had tried. He held his thumb up between them and slowly sucked his finger clean. He watched Thor watching his tongue and felt a small thrill of triumph. “All better,” he smiled.

“I, ah, I mean, that is - I have to go pee,” Thor said suddenly and all but fled the kitchen.

Loki smiled smugly as he stuck the pan in the oven. This was _so much fucking fun_.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *casually dropping this chapter while singing "you can't always get what you want" and moonwalking out of the room*

The brownie thing had been divinely inspired, but the rest of the night was a bit of a letdown. Loki tried to sit too close to Thor on the couch, but Thor kept inching further away. Loki inched right after him in the world’s slowest game of tag until he had chased Thor onto the arm of the couch. He had the sudden mental image of scaring Thor straight up the drapes like a cat and had to suppress a snicker.

The movie was over all too soon though and then Thor scarpered.

Loki sprawled on the couch, tapping his chin. The evening had been amusing, but ultimately unsatisfying. He needed to up his game.

The problem was finding the chance. Thor became a hermit after that, and every time Loki tried to corner him he scuttled away - their game of couch tag writ larger. 

Loki tried doing his ballet stretches in the living room, his leg way up over his head - Thor walked in and immediately turned around and walked out again. 

He tried practically making out with a popsicle while they talked about - about who knows what, he hadn’t been paying attention - and Thor had suddenly checked his cellphone and claimed a classmate had an emergency. 

He tried fluttering his eyelashes and breathy laughing and casual touches, and all he succeeded in doing was ensuring that Thor never looked him in the eye anymore and flinched every time he got closer than a foot away.

The last one seemed to send Thor over the edge though. He had been sitting at the kitchen table and Loki had come up behind him with a casual hand on his shoulder and a throaty “hi” in his ear and Thor had fucking _vanished_ for three days.

Loki sat in his room chewing on his thumbnail and drumming his fingers on his leg. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Thor was supposed to...what was he supposed to do? Chase him or something. But instead he was getting further and further away.

And also, perhaps a graver sin, this was becoming _boring_.

Unacceptable.

Loki needed more ammo.

He waited for Thor to go to Thursday lacrosse practice and broke into his room again. 

**VV said he misses me. I miss him too, so much, but I can’t trust myself around him. When we baked brownies together I was so close to just grabbing him and kissing him and kissing him. I’m such a human garbage pile.**

Oh c’mon Thor. Hyperbole much?

**I don’t know what’s gotten into him lately but everywhere I go he’s there and he looks so fucking hot I just can’t. I just leave. What am I supposed to do? This is torture.**

Fucking _good_. It was _supposed_ to be torture. Asshole.

**I wish I could just wake up and this desire would be gone. I wish I could just be a good brother. He probably thinks I hate him or something. I wouldn’t blame him if he hates me.**

Underneath that line were some doodles, angular patterns of angry looking lines pushed so hard into the paper they almost tore through it. Loki traced the indentation with his fingertip and imagined Thor sitting at his desk, scowling in rage as he forcefully scratched out his innermost thoughts. Or maybe, instead, his face screwed up in anguish as he bled out ink onto the paper.

Then, in small lonely letters at the bottom of the page -

**I just want things to go back to the way they were before.**

Loki blinked and wiped at his suddenly gritty eyes.

Well.

 _That_ was never going to happen.

This had been a dumb fucking mistake. Thor had willpower made of fucking...iron and stone and shit. Of course prancing around in front of stupid, honorable, _perfect_ Thor was going to get him nowhere. And once again, Thor was making the selfish unilateral decision to distance himself from Loki.

He did hate Thor right now, mostly, kind of. And he wanted to hurt Thor as much as Thor had hurt him. But in the end he wanted Thor closer, not farther.

It seemed a change of tactics was in order.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki's plans are bad and he should feel bad

The problem was Loki had been too hamhanded, too clunky. Thor was a naughty puppy who needed to have his nose rubbed in his own mess, but it would require some finesse and it would never happen if he always had an escape route.

So, time to cut off the escape routes.

“Hey,” he said, standing in Thor's bedroom doorway. Blocking it. He was straight from ballet and he hadn't bothered to change out of his leggings yet, which he showed to all their tight-ass advantage by leaning against one side of the doorframe and propping his foot up on the other.

Thor pulled his ear buds out.

“What's up Loki?” he said. Cautiously, if Loki was any judge.

“I was wondering if you could help me with my homework. You know I'm shit at calc.” He was, actually. Sometimes a little truth spiced up the lies so nicely.

“Oh. Um. I'd love to. But. I'm supposed to meet Sif tonight to go over our group project.”

“I won't take up too much of your time,” Loki promised.

“No really, I have to leave now, I'm supposed to meet her in fifteen minutes.”

Loki chewed his lip and tried to make doe eyes. “Please?”

“I'm sorry, I can't tonight,” Thor insisted, gathering up his books and shoving them into his bag. “I'm sorry.”

 _Methinks the lady doth protest too much_.

“Can't Sif wait just a _tiny_ bit?”

“No,” Thor said shortly. “Please move, I have to go.”

Loki pouted. Just a little. Nothing extravagant.

“Thorrr,” he wheedled.

“Move. Please.” Thor was standing before him now, looming. His face was...stormy. Not like his usual good humor at all.

“But - aaaAAAH!” Loki's voice rose on a crescendo because suddenly he was _in the air_ , Thor's big warm hands around his waist, as Thor simply picked him up and moved him out of the way like he was a doll and _holy hell_. Loki knew Thor was strong but _holy fucking hell_.

Thor was gone down the stairs before Loki could muster a single word. His heart was beating frantically and his oxygen situation wasn't looking so great either.

Hot damn, that had been unexpected.

Well.

*

“So, I was wondering,” Loki said at family dinner the next night, “if maybe tomorrow Thor could drive me to my dance workshop? Sigyn flaked on me for a ride.” Sigyn had not, in fact, flaked on him, but no one needed to know that.

Loki was finely attuned to every flicker and wince that might pass across Thor’s features so he didn’t miss the slight intake of breath.

“I have a game tomorrow,” he said. “Sorry. Maybe mom can take you.”

“Your father and I are going out tomorrow,” Frigga said apologetically. As Loki well knew.

“C’mon Thor,” Loki said. “You can just drop me off in the morning and pick me up when you’re done. My thing is literally all day.”

“But -”

“Thor, sweetie, take your brother to his workshop,” Frigga said. 

“Fine,” Thor muttered, angrily stabbing his peas.

“Hey, you boys are lucky you even have the one car to share. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” Frigga warned. “Honestly,” she said to Odin, “you’d think I’d asked him to muck stables or something.”

“Whatever. I’ll drive him.” The look on Thor’s face was the same as yesterday, that lowering stormcloud that had preceded him throwing Loki around like he weighed nothing, like he was a doll, a feather, a dream…

Loki felt a bloom of sparks deep inside him. What the fuck. Shake it off.

“Great!” he said brightly.

A half hour each way trapped in a small moving box with Thor. Exactly what the doctor ordered.

*

Never one to miss an opportunity to drive Thor crazy, Loki reclined his seat and put his feet up on the dash, admiring the long line of his own legs. He made sure to streeeeetch.

“Onward, Jeeves,” he intoned dramatically in an atrocious fake British accent.

Thor only grunted.

“Who pissed in your cornflakes,” Loki said sourly, putting his sunglasses on. 

He watched Thor’s profile as they pulled out of the driveway, the dappled shadows from the leafless trees playing across his face. Thor looked drawn, maybe even...slightly haggard? The circles under his eyes had circles. For the first time in this whole sordid endeavor, Loki felt a small pang of remorse.

But it was very small.

And Thor was very large. And very right here. For the next, oh, twenty-eight minutes now.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do hope you've all been taking note of the angst seeds I've been planting since chapter one because they are starting to blooooom.

Loki tried unsuccessfully to draw Thor into conversation, _any_ conversation, for the entire car ride, but Thor seemed determined to communicate solely in a series of huffs and grunts like a caveman. Loki felt like he was trying to dance with a partner who refused to even budge an inch.

“What the fuck, Thor,” he said finally. “I’m just trying to have a fucking conversation with you.”

Thor glanced over at him, a flash of blue eyes, and finally graced him with some actual words. “Sorry. I just have a lot on my mind.”

He didn’t look sorry. He looked pissed. His knuckles were white on the steering wheel. 

Loki slouched in his seat sullenly. This was _so stupid_. Could Thor really not control his boner _that_ much? Like, was just treating Loki like a normal and civil person too much to ask where his precious _boner_ was concerned? Loki wasn't even trying to tease him right now (not that he hadn't been planning to) and still he was getting stonewalled.

“Well maybe you could try not to be such a dickhole while you’re having all these important thoughts,” Loki muttered.

“And maybe you could try giving me some goddamn space,” Thor snapped. The words crackled through the air and hit Loki as forcefully as a slap. He recoiled into the corner of his seat.

Thor jerked the car into a parking spot at a crazy angle. “Bye.”

“Are you still picking me up later?” Loki asked, and he meant to say it angrily but his tightening throat betrayed him and it came out slightly strangled.

“I have to, don’t I?”

“Yeah. I guess you do.”

Thor peeled off and left Loki trying to collect his thoughts in the middle of the parking lot. He felt sick and sad and hurt and fucking _angry_ and also maybe a tiny bit guilty. But this was all Thor’s fault, wasn’t it? Thor was the one who wanted to fuck his brother, not Loki. Thor should be the one feeling guilty.

It served him right.

So why did Loki feel so bad?

By an hour into the workshop he had started to calm down. “Mind and Body” it was called, and billed itself as a “nurturing environment for dancers to integrate spirituality with physicality.” There was truth to it though, for as it always did, dance stole into him and over him like a soothing mantle, driving conscious thought and bad feelings away until all that was left was his body in motion.

Soon it was lunch, then a short nutrition seminar where they learned how everything you fucking eat except for kale and water is inferior fuel and probably causes cancer, followed by some light yoga, and then one last dance instruction session.

The choreography for the last session sang to Loki's soul. It was all his favorite moves, none of the ones that gave him fits, and there was such a beauty to the way it flowed. He gave himself over to it completely. It almost felt like it wasn't him dancing at all, that it was the dance dancing itself with him as the conduit. 

He held the final pose, arms outstretched, muscles straining, chest heaving, covered in a fine sheen of sweat, and it felt like such a release he almost collapsed sobbing right there.

Thor was waiting for him.

“Hey,” Thor said before Loki could even open his mouth. “That was really...wow.” He coughed and put one hand behind his head. “I forgot how good you are.”

“How long have you been here?” Loki asked, toweling off the back of his neck.

“I saw the whole last dance I think.”

Loki’s eyes followed Thor’s hand as it swung back down to his side and the memory of it on his own waist made him squeeze his eyes shut.

“Hey, um. Sorry. For being a dickhole before.”

“Yeah ok,” Loki said, brushing past him to get his bag. Fuck. What was this. He still felt wrung out. Unprepared for whatever this was.

“I'm trying to apologize,” Thor said. He sounded frustrated.

“Are you apologizing for me or for yourself?” Loki said sharply, his calm evaporating. “Let's just go home.”

They rode in tense silence for a good ten minutes. Loki had abandoned any plans he may have had for the car ride. This may have all started as a game but it wasn't fun anymore. It was painful and…

“What happened to us?” he said softly, flicking the lock up and down with his fingernail.

“I don't know,” Thor said, and the lie was so great that Loki could barely breathe.

“I think you do,” he choked out.

“What are you talking about?”

“I think you know _exactly_ what happened.”

Thor slammed his hands on the steering wheel so hard that Loki jumped.

“We need to stop for gas,” he growled, pulling abruptly into a gas station parking lot.

“Fine,” Loki snapped. He slammed the car door behind him and stalked into the mini mart.

He was so angry he didn't notice that they were in a shit part of town or the two guys who gave him a hard look and followed him inside.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank darklittlestories and especially lunariagold for all their behind-the-scenes handholding and cheerleading, love you guys!

It all happened so quickly that afterwards Loki couldn't have recounted the sequence of events if he'd tried, but what he did know was that he ended up forced out the back door with his arm twisted painfully behind his back and his heart in his throat while the mini mart cashier shrugged at him like “tough shit, dude.” Yeah, thanks buddy, very helpful.

The shock of surprised adrenaline started to wear off to be quickly replaced with a rising sense of panic. It was two on one and while Loki was pretty strong he’d never been in a fight before in his life. These guys looked like they got three fights in before breakfast.

The one holding his arm behind his back - the taller one - shoved Loki hard against the dumpster and held him there, smashing his cheek into the unforgiving metal. He could feel his heart racing erratically.

The shorter one got in his face. “Don’t scream,” he said, showing all his teeth. Loki shuddered.

“Give us what you got, pretty boy,” Tall said. “Wallet, phone, whatever.”

“I don’t have anything,” Loki pleaded. Shit. He hoped with every bit of his worthless soul that money was all they wanted and that maybe they’d leave him alone when he didn’t have any.

“Search him,” Tall said tersely.

“Do these fucking clothes look like they have any pockets?” Loki said.

“Shut up.”

The shorter one started patting him down and Loki screwed his eyes shut. Where was Thor? Thor had to have noticed he was missing by now? Right? He couldn’t be so mad that he’d just abandon him here…?

“Please,” he heard someone say and he realized it was his own voice. It was so small and high. “Please, I don’t have anything.” 

“Man, this fucker is telling the truth. Maybe his boyfriend has something.”

Boyfriend? Loki started laughing, a hysterical giggle. It was too much.

“Oh my god,” he gasped. “Yeah, go find my fucking _boyfriend_ , I dare you.”

“I said _shut up_.” Sudden pain across the backs of his legs made his knees buckle.

The pressure on his back vanished abruptly and he fell to his hands and knees. Frantically, he twisted around to see what was happening.

Twilight was rapidly giving way to night, and illuminated in the light of the one cracked fluorescent bulb over the door, golden hair shining like a goddamn halo, was Thor. Thor, with a snarl on his lips and blood on his knuckles. Thor, with his muscles heaving and straining as he picked up one of the muggers and threw him against the wall. Thor, with fury blazing in his eyes.

He was a knight come to rescue Loki from the dragon - no, no, he was the _dragon_ , the pitiful mortals before him flaming to dust under the fury of his onslaught.

Those two pathetic motherfuckers never stood a chance.

It was over in a matter of seconds that seemed to stretch on for hours. One of the assholes lay bleeding on the ground moaning feebly while the other tried to run away - Thor picked up a broken brick off the ground and with a guttural yell hurled it at his back as he fled. It glanced off the guy’s shoulder, and although he stumbled he kept running.

Loki watched the whole thing with wide eyes, panting.

Thor staggered, wiping at his bloody nose with the back of his hand and breathing heavily through his mouth. Loki stared, transfixed.

“Thor,” he said, and his voice was barely a whisper, a dusty squeak that he forced out through a throat constricted tight with fear. “Thor.” He held out his arms and realized they were shaking.

Thor was there in two steps, hauling Loki up and into his arms. Loki clung to him, sobbing. It was ok, he was ok, they were gone, Thor was here, Thor had saved him…

“Oh my god, Loki, Lolo, oh my god,” Thor was babbling, holding Loki tight against him, running his hand over Loki’s hair, his back, showering kisses on his temple, his cheek…

Loki shivered. Was Thor going to…? But he felt so relieved and safe and, goddammit, _loved_ that he didn’t move away, he just clung to Thor all the tighter. He wouldn’t have been surprised if Thor had moved his head an inch, just an inch, and kissed his lips instead of his cheek...

And Thor didn’t. He didn’t. And Loki knew that he loved Thor, had always loved Thor, but he loved him even more in that moment because he knew it would have been so easy for Thor to take everything he wanted right then and Thor _didn’t_.

Later, after they stumbled back to the car and took off, Loki sat hugging himself and watching Thor’s face as he drove. Thor kept looking over at him and smiling and it left Loki’s chest feeling funny in a way he’d never experienced before.

He wondered why the biggest feeling left after the shock and fear and relief wore off was a lingering sense of vague disappointment.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a holiday weekend here in the US and I'm going to be out of town with very spotty internet access, so unfortunately I may not be able to update over the weekend. Sorrryyyy! I'll definitely be able to get back to the regular posting schedule next week. <3

They agreed it was best if their mother never found out what had happened, so they stopped at McDonald's to regroup.

Thor washed his bloody knuckles in the sink while Loki examined the scrape on his face from the dumpster and made a small noise of disapproval.

“What?”

“They fucked up my _face_! It's my best feature.”

“Oh yeah? I thought according to you, all your features are your best feature.” Thor's eyes danced with amusement.

“Yes, it's the burden of being beautiful,” Loki said with an exaggerated sigh. “Seriously though, fuck them.”

“I think I did a pretty good job of that,” Thor said ruefully, staring at his hand.

“Hey,” Loki said, suddenly serious. “Thank you.” He caught Thor's eyes in the mirror. He had never noticed before how thick and pretty his eyelashes were. “I mean it...thank you.” Suddenly his throat felt tight. He broke eye contact and braced himself on the sink, fighting back tears. What the hell, it was over, why was he falling to pieces…

Thor's arms were around him again, huge and warm and safe.

“It's ok, it's ok Lolo,” he was saying, “I've got you, I've always got you.”

Loki barked out a watery laugh against Thor's chest. “You haven't called me that since we were kids.” 

This was so weird. Just...everything. The diary and this whole last week and their whole stupid pseudo-feud, the way they had been dancing around each other, the unreality of that fight by the dumpster…

Thor pulled back and smiled, wiping at the tears on Loki's cheeks with his thumbs. Loki had a sudden image of those same hands smashing the muggers to a pulp - and now here they were cradling his face as gently as if he were a baby bird.

“What, ‘Lolo’?”

“Yeah.”

Their faces were so close and Thor was cupping his cheeks so tenderly and smiling so unguardedly and Loki's heart felt so full and light. Loki swayed slightly and he wanted...he wanted...he didn't know what, he just _wanted_ , something, anything. He couldn't tear his eyes away from Thor's mouth. Unconsciously, he licked his lips and he felt Thor's breathing pause.

The bathroom door banged open and hurriedly Thor dropped his hands and turned back to the sink.

“Sorry, I won’t call you that if you don’t want.” Thor was washing his already clean hands again, not meeting Loki’s eyes. 

“No. No it’s ok. I was just...surprised.” Loki felt frustrated. He wished they were alone. This was the first time they had really talked to each other in months and they were in a public bathroom of all places.

“Let’s get some food,” Thor said quietly.

“Yeah ok.”

They ate their burgers (and Loki had to laugh after the nutrition seminar he’d just taken) and got their story straight. Thor had banged up his nose and his hand during his lacrosse game. Loki had taken a bad fall trying out a new dance move. It was simultaneously plausible and slightly fishy, but Loki hoped their mom would just assume that they’d been in a fight with _each other_ and were trying to cover for themselves. She’d probably just roll her eyes at them.

They rode in silence the rest of the way home, but it wasn’t the tense silence of that morning. It felt easy, familiar, the comfortable silence of people who knew each other well enough that sometimes words weren’t necessary. 

Loki didn’t even stick his legs up on the dash this time.

Things felt different between them now. Loki hoped that Thor felt it too. Maybe they could make up now, maybe Loki could abandon this shitty game he’d been playing and just get his brother back. Suddenly that seemed far preferable to the notions of petty revenge he’d started out with.

He remembered what Thor had written in his diary, his wish that things could go back to the way they were before.

Maybe, just maybe...it might actually be possible?

But if Loki had ever learned one thing in his life it’s that his greatest gift (besides spectacular cheekbones) was lying. Unfortunately he hadn't yet learned that he had no more willing victim than himself.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look I found some time to write and internet access. \o/

Their unspoken ceasefire continued into the next week, but it felt precarious, a house of cards trembling under its own weight.

On Sunday Frigga brought home some pumpkins from the grocery store and Loki convinced Thor to help him carve them. It was good. It was nice. They laughed and joked almost like normal. Loki wondered if he was the only one who still felt the undercurrent of stress. 

Loki managed a pretty artistic version of a cat with a full moon that made him smile a little smugly. When he looked over at Thor's, he found his brother laboring over a childishly crude jack-o-lantern face as painstakingly as if it were the Sistine Chapel, his tongue stuck out in concentration. It was equal parts ridiculous and adorable. Loki quashed the sentiment immediately. Honestly.

They were both busy with school and practices during the week, but their orbits crossed often enough. Loki looked forward to each time, a happy little flower blooming in his chest with every smile that Thor directed his way.

What had he been thinking before, taunting Thor so maliciously?

On Friday, it all went to shit.

Thor's friend Sif dropped by along with this other guy Tony that Loki had heard of but never met.

“Ready to go, Thor?” Sif asked, jangling her keys.

“Where are you guys headed?” Loki asked.

“The coffee place, we gotta finish up our group project,” Thor said while he shrugged into his jacket.

“Take me with you??” Crap, he sounded a little desperate.

“Hello, who's this?” asked Tony, eying Loki over his rose colored sunglasses. Loki raised an eyebrow at him in vague distaste. Sunglasses inside? At night? Who was this moron trying to impress?

“My little brother.”

“Oh yeah, how little?”

“I'm a senior,” Loki bristled.

“Yes sweetheart, but are you _legal_?” Tony smirked. Oh. So that's who he was trying to impress.

“Yeah, but are _you_ my type?” Loki said airily. Two could play this game.

Tony laughed delightedly. “Oh Thor, I like this one, let's bring him with us.”

Loki turned to Thor with puppy dog eyes. Thor frowned at him, about to say no probably, but Loki projected as much earnestness into his face as he could and finally he saw Thor's eyes soften.

“You really want to come?” he said.

“YES let me just grab my books ok don't leave without me,” Loki spit out in one breath.

Loki worked quietly in a big squashy armchair that threatened to swallow him entirely. He kept stealing glances at Thor over the rim of his coffee mug. Thor looked so relaxed, smiling and laughing - it was the Thor Loki remembered, the Thor he missed.

He wasn't listening to what the three of them were talking about, exactly, but he could hear the rumble of Thor's bass voice undercutting the rest of the chatter and it vibrated pleasantly somewhere behind his ribs.

“...Loki?”

“Huh what?”

“I said, are you gonna come to Tony's Halloween party tomorrow?” Sif was looking at him expectantly.

“Oh, um, I didn't know he was having one?”

“Your beefy brother didn't mention it to you?” Tony said.

“He did not,” Loki did, clearly enunciating the t and giving Thor a look. Thor shrugged apologetically.

“Maybe he didn't want his little bro horning in on his date,” Tony said.

“Date?” Loki asked carefully, blinking.

“Yeah, Thor and I are going together!” Sif said cheerfully, smiling at Thor.

“I didn't know you two were a thing.” Loki felt his stomach fall like a fucking rock. 

“Well it's only been a couple of days,” Sif said, and she continued prattling on about...something, but Loki's head was suddenly full of an angry swarm of buzzing insects and he didn't hear a word of it.

What…how...

Why?

He shouldn't care. This was good. This meant Thor was moving on.

But…

Jealousy twisted his guts. Thor was _his_. His, not anyone else’s, not Sif’s, _his_. What right did Sif have to Thor's attention, his smiles, his, his...love.

He startled when Tony touched the back of his hand.

“You wanna be _my_ date,” he said, waggling his eyebrows.

“Yeah sure. Ok.” Loki's voice sounded dull in his own ears.

“Wow I can't believe that worked. Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Great!” Tony beamed. “It’s a costume party so wear something sexy.”

“You can count on it,” Loki said, finally snapping out of it and giving Tony his sauciest smile.

Yeah. He looked at Thor, who was currently sharing a smile with Sif. Yeah, he could definitely count on it.


	11. Chapter 11

Loki put the finishing touches on his eyeliner and stood back to admire the effect. Perfect cat eyes to match the fuzzy ears, scoop neck leotard, and fishnets, all black. He debated on red lipstick but decided against it - too hard to keep on top of all night. He bared his teeth and made a little “rawr" noise. Ok, ridiculous. But he still looked pretty fucking hot.

If Loki was going to suffer, Thor was damn well going to suffer too.

That _utter jerk_.

Thor was the most important person in Loki's life and there was no way in hell he was going to let _Sif_ usurp his rightful place as the most important person in Thor's.

Nuh uh. Not happening.

Not while he still had ass-boosting stilettos in his arsenal.

He imagined Thor's face when he strutted into the party draped over Tony's arm and his stomach gave a pleased flutter. Thor couldn't run away from him this time and he was going to make damn sure he flaunted everything Thor was missing.

“Is that what you're wearing, darling?” Frigga said as Loki made his way precariously down the stairs.

“Yeah, why?”

“Don't you think you might get a bit, ah, cold?”

“Mooom,” Loki said, rolling his eyes.

“Forget I said anything,” Frigga laughed. “Obviously you won't get cold with the heat generated by such vigorous eye rolling. Now remember -”

“Be safe, don't do anything illegal, but if shit happens call you and you'll pick me up no questions asked,” Loki recited in monotone.

“Good boy.” Frigga pinched his cheek and he pushed her hand away.

“Careful woman, you'll smudge my eyeliner!”

“Get in the car you ungrateful brat.”

Loki made her drop him off two blocks away so no one would realize he'd had to have his mom drive him. Thor had the other car, to pick up his _girlfriend_ and ugh even thinking the word was nauseating.

Tony greeted him at the door in a toga and his eyes went satisfyingly huge.

“Wow,” he said. “Wow. If everyone takes my order to dress sexy as seriously as you we might just all spontaneously combust before the party even gets going. Come in come in.”

Tony put his hand on the small of Loki's back to guide him inside. With his stilettos Loki was almost a foot taller than him. Loki tried very hard not to giggle.

“You don't look too bad yourself,” Loki purred instead, tapping him on the nose. “Is my brother here yet?”

“Not yet, pet. Let me get you and those heels a drink, yes?”

“I'd love that.”

The house was filling up by the time Thor and Sif arrived. Loki was half drunk already but not nearly drunk enough for the sight of Thor in a gladiator skirt and a cape and not much else, dwarfing everyone around him, golden and glowing and bare chested. Well maybe not actually glowing, but he might as well have been for how Loki couldn't tear his eyes away. Shit. Thor looked like he was born to wear that outfit. Like he could rip people in half as soon as look at them. Loki remembered those _hands_ again, those fucking hands, picking him up like he was nothing, committing violence in his name, stroking his cheeks so delicately...

Suddenly his own costume felt tawdry, tasteless.

Fuck it. He downed another drink. Time to be all the way drunk.

“Hey,” he said, coming up behind Thor and breathing down into his ear. He was pleased to see the tiny shudder that Thor tried to suppress as he turned around. Damn these shoes were nice. Usually Thor was taller than he was.

“Loki!” Sif said, pulling him down for a cheek kiss. “I'm glad you made it!”

“Me too,” Loki smiled. He kept his eyes on Thor, who had yet to look away from him as well. Eat it up, you asshole. “I'm having such a good time. Tony is a _great_ host.”

“Did I hear my name being taken in vain?” Tony said, stepping into their circle and sliding his arm around Loki's waist. Loki saw Thor narrow his eyes just slightly and felt a tiny vicious stab of glee.

“We were just talking about what a great party this is,” Loki said, nuzzling at Tony's temple. Thor put his arm around Sif almost aggressively and Loki inwardly laughed and laughed.

“Oh yeah, hey, it is pretty awesome isn't it,” Tony said absently. “Great chat, guys, but now I have to go dance with my absurdly hot date.”

Loki threw a kiss behind him as he let Tony draw him over to where people were dancing. He hoped Thor choked on it.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D
> 
> Also I tried drawing a picture of [Lokitty](http://i.imgur.com/RvRmjCY.jpg). I did it on my phone and I'm not an artist, so don't laugh too hard. ;D

Thor looked fucking miserable all night and Loki loved every second of it. Sif didn't even seem to notice. It was laughable really. She didn't know Thor _at all_ and somehow she was supposed to pose a credible threat to Loki's claim? She seemed nice enough but she had no idea what she was stepping into here. Sorry, Sif.

Loki danced and flirted outrageously with Tony and it was even actually fun. Tony was snarky and funny as hell and kinda cute actually, even if he wasn't Loki's usual type. If Loki hadn't been on such a mission he might have liked to try and take things further, but he was too single-minded tonight. Sorry, Tony, too.

But it was so gloriously worth it so far. Every time he managed to shake, wiggle, or commit appalling PDA in Thor's general vicinity, Thor's face grew more and more stormy - if lightning could have shot from his eyes Loki would have been fried to a crisp by now. 

They said jealousy was green but tonight it was electric blue.

Loki was more than a few drinks in at this point and the music throbbing through the house kept time with the swirling in his head. It made for an almost pleasant undulating effect.

“Hey babe, c'mon,” Tony slurred, grabbing his elbow. “One more dance, I gotta see that ass dance one more time, babe please.”

Loki looked over to where Thor and Sif were sitting. Sif tugged her Wonder Woman costume up and tried to crawl into his lap.

Fuck. Yeah. Dance.

“You like my ass, huh?”

“It is the _best_ ass and I mean that shincere...sinchere...I really mean that.”

Loki smirked. He threw his legs wide and his arms over his head and began to shimmy.

“Like that?”

“Just like that.”

“Did you know I take *hic* sorry, ballet?”

Loki gracefully extended his arms to the sides and carefully (stilettos!) raised one leg straight out behind him in a perfect line, his back arched - an immaculate arabesque.

God he hoped Thor was fucking looking.

“That is the prettiest goddamn thing I've ever seen,” Tony said devoutly. “You're amazing.”

Loki dropped his limbs and pressed himself against Tony. He snuck a peek over Tony's shoulder - Sif was trying to kiss Thor's neck and Thor was _completely ignoring_ her to stare at Loki.

So Loki angled his head down and kissed Tony on the lips.

The next thing he knew he was being forcibly dragged away from Tony by six-feet-plus of angry blonde gladiator.

“Excuse me Tony, I need my brother for something.” He was lifting Loki's shoulder so high he was practically carrying him. Oh he'd really gotten under Thor's skin, this was good, this was so good, but also wait this was probably actually very bad…

“Find me later!” Tony yelled, waving.

“What the fuck,” Loki hissed. He tried vainly to pull out of Thor's grasp. “What are you doing?”

“What am I doing? What are you doing!” Thor spit out through his teeth. “Tony is the biggest player on campus!”

“So what?”

“He'll ruin your reputation, probably give you syphilis or something, _fuck_ Loki.”

They were upstairs now, the sound of the party downstairs distant and muffled.

“I don't care. I'm going back down,” Loki insisted, tugging on his arm again.

“Like hell you are,” Thor growled, and threw Loki over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. 

“Jesus!” Loki swore. He started beating on Thor's back. “Put me down you fucking lunatic!”

Thor swatted his ass, hard, and it was so unexpected that a crazy giggle burst from Loki's throat. 

“Oh my god,” he gasped. “You've gone completely batshit insane.”

Thor opened a bedroom door and dumped Loki inside, then slammed the door behind them and locked it. It was dark except for where the moonlight came in through the window, so they were both cast in an eerie blue glow.

“Seriously,” Thor growled, his eyes hard. “You need to stay away from him.”

“You don't get to tell me what to do,” Loki said furiously.

“And why the hell not?”

The injustice of it was so great it was breathtaking.

“I don't belong to you,” Loki said, biting out each word. “I don't belong to you and it drives you fucking insane doesn't it.”

“What are you talking about?” Thor was breathing heavy now.

Loki felt himself start to crack, tiny spiderwebbing fault lines opening up all over him to let out everything he'd been holding inside.

“Oh just stop pretending,” Loki sneered. “I see how you look at me. You think you're smooth but you're not.”

“Loki no -” Thor looked sick.

Some reckless drunken impulse had seized Loki and he couldn't stop. He was breaking, breaking.

“And you think you can just go around and carry me off like you fucking own me.” And now, embarrassingly, Loki's voice had started to shake and when he furiously rubbed at his eyes his eyeliner streaked all over his face. He looked at the black smudge all over his hand and half laughed half cried. Thor looked ready to run, or vomit, or cry, or maybe all three.

Loki jabbed a finger at him. “And you're the one who fucking left _me_ , you asshole, you left me and then you s-saved me, and then you fucking left me again for _her_ , but you think you can just order me around like some kind of goddamn -”

“ _Stop_ ,” Thor said, despairing. “I don't understand -”

Loki was crying unchecked now, all the stress of the last few weeks pouring out of him in a river of tears. “Just take it! Just take what you want!” 

He beat his fist against Thor's bare chest and Thor caught his hands in an iron grip.

“Take it!” he screamed, shoving his whole weight against Thor's massive bulk, a wave hurling itself against the unforgiving rocks.“Now I'm just giving it to you and you won't even fucking ta-"

Thor's lips crashed into his fiercely, desperately, and Loki felt his world crumble.

Those big hands cradled Loki's face, drawing him closer. Loki tasted his own tears on their lips and sobbed.

Thor pulled back, wide eyed, and grabbed Loki by the shoulders. “Is this what you want?” he said, low, hoarse, and he shook Loki so hard his teeth almost rattled. “Is it?”

No of course not, Thor was his _brother_ , this was all a stupid _game_ , it wasn't serious, no no NO -

“Yes,” Loki gasped. “Yes.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I, um, may have gotten a bit carried away with the smut. This is 3x longer than a normal chapter. I think these boys have earned it though, don't you? Hopefully it will make up for the cruel way I ended the last chapter. Enjoy. <3

Thor’s cape fell to the floor and they were kissing again, they were _kissing_ , and time stretched and slowed and Loki was drowning, falling down and down through thick syrupy layers of eternity, Thor’s arms his only anchor to the real world. Thor’s mouth was everywhere, on his lips, his face, his neck, swallowing his tears, swallowing his involuntary gasps. They could have been kissing for minutes or hours, both seemed equally plausible.

Loki didn’t understand what was happening. How the evening had spiraled so completely out of control. He’d had Thor in the palm of his hand and now - _oh_ , Thor had him in the palm of his. Literally. Helplessly, he pressed his body against Thor’s.

This wasn’t the way things were supposed to go.

Thor pulled back, chest heaving, just far enough to rest their foreheads together and share breath. His thumbs stroked Loki’s exposed collarbones, making him shiver, back and forth and…

“Loki,” he said, his voice a ragged whisper. He rocked his forehead against Loki’s, ran his hands up Loki’s neck and into the hair at his nape. This shouldn’t feel so good. Why did this feel so good?

Loki didn’t know what to do. He should push Thor away. He should run downstairs and find Tony and go have a normal safe pedestrian hookup with someone who was literally any person other than the one who was currently creating electricity in his fucking bones and breathing his name like it was a benediction and FUCK.

He was tired of crying, he was so fucking tired of crying tonight, but another sob was threatening to rip out of him so he buried his face in Thor’s neck instead.

 _Run_ , his brain said, but his body didn’t listen, the treacherous thing. In fact it did the exact opposite, wrapping his arms around Thor’s broad shoulders (and _shit_ his hands didn’t even meet in the back _holy fuck_ ) and then Thor was doing the same to him only his arms spanned the entirety of Loki’s back and around to his ribs again and Loki was dying, he might actually be dying.

Then Thor lifted him into the air and Loki wrapped his legs around that absurdly tiny waist (how could a waist so small exist on a man that huge), and his achingly hard cock pressed against Thor’s belly, and no, _now_ he was dying.

And now he had his arms around Thor’s neck and his cheek pressed against Thor’s ear - and they were backing up until his back hit the wall and “Thor” he whimpered, pathetically, as Thor melded against him. Both of Thor’s hands were under his ass now, holding him off the ground, pushing him into the wall, pushing, pushing, until Loki thought they might just melt together, just fuse into one being the way they should always have been.

What the fuck kind of thought was...fuck. Thor was devouring his neck now and Loki threw his head back. He dug his nails into Thor’s shoulders. This was awful, this was terrible, this was -

“ _Ahhhh_ ,” he breathed as Thor worried at his earlobe with his teeth and goosebumps erupted all down his arms.

This was the most turned on he’d ever been in his life.

This was definitely the worst thing that had ever happened.

Thor dropped him to the ground now and his ankle turned in the damn stupid shoes, so he kicked them off, then ripped off the cat ears too for good measure. And before he could even catch his breath, Thor was pushing his leotard off his shoulders and laving his tongue over them, biting right at the curve above his armpit, squeezing his upper arms.

“Wait,” he gasped, pushing Thor away. “What about Sif? Aren’t you with her now?”

Thor’s eyes looked sad in the blue light. Loki had the sudden mad urge to kiss his eyelids.

“It was never Sif I wanted,” Thor said quietly, reaching out one hand to stroke his cheek. Instinctively, Loki turned his face into the touch. “It was only ever you.”

Loki drew an uneven breath and felt his heart twist in his chest. Unbidden, he remembered the love poetry from Thor’s diary that he had glossed over the first time. Love poetry about _him_.

It was too much.

It wasn’t enough.

He was lost, adrift on the open sea with no map or compass, directionless. He couldn’t go back - there was no back.

But like a lighthouse beacon, Thor’s hand on his cheek drew him gently forward and their lips met again, softer this time, sweeter. Loki’s head was spinning and he didn’t know if it was from the alcohol or from this - from Thor’s soft lips, his gentle breath filling Loki’s lungs, his hands at Loki’s waist, thumbs just grazing his ribs. Loki arched into him without even meaning to, and Thor gathered him in, and then they were just clinging to each other, swaying, wordless yet speaking volumes.

Loki realized his neck was wet. Tenderly he tilted Thor’s face towards his own and kissed the tears from his cheeks.

When their mouths found each other again it was hungrier, deeper. Thor slid his arms around the small of Loki’s back and pulled him in close.

“Oh,” Loki breathed as their erections ground together. “ _Oh_.”

“I want to see you,” Thor rumbled. He pushed the leotard down more, trailing his hand down Loki’s chest, pushing the fabric to his hips and fitting his thumbs into the grooves at his pelvis. Loki felt his nipples pebble and Thor stooped to take one in his mouth. The sensation made him writhe and clasp Thor’s head to him.

Thor tried to push the rest of Loki’s clothing down without looking, but his hands got tangled in the fishnets and they ripped, and with a growl he split them the rest of the way down - and then Loki was naked. Naked and panting, because that had been - god, that had been really fucking hot.

His cock jutted out in front of him, hard and beginning to weep, and Loki had the fleeting thought to be embarrassed, but it quickly evaporated under the intensity of the unadulterated _lust_ in Thor’s eyes as he raked his gaze over Loki’s body.

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmured. “Like a marble sculpture.”

He took Loki’s hand and Loki gave him a bit of a twirl to put the goods on full display. But Thor didn’t let go, he pulled him in, Loki’s back against his chest, and held him fast. He buried his face in Loki’s neck again, worshipping it, and spread his hands over Loki’s chest and stomach, and god, those hands, they could hold the world, and right now they were holding Loki, spanning his whole width, making him feel somehow tiny and precious and...and...adored… _ahh_. Thor’s hand had dipped lower, fingers skimming down between his legs, and now Thor was palming his cock.

Loki sagged forward.

Thor easily held him upright.

He felt like he was falling anyway, spiraling down into an abyss.

What the hell was happening. What were they doing. This was insane and possibly illegal and -

And he didn’t want to stop.

He couldn’t have stopped even if he _had_ wanted to.

“Thor,” he whined. “Ahh, god.” Thor’s hand on his cock was so warm, his thumb swiping through the clear fluid already leaking from the tip. He felt Thor’s hard length pressing against his back through his gladiator skirt. He wanted to see it. He needed to see it.

He twisted in Thor’s arms and pushed the offending garment down and Thor’s cock sprang free.

It was thick, oh god, and slightly curved, the veins standing in sharp relief, and it looked both amazing and terrifying at once.

They stood looking at each other for an instant, it couldn’t have been more than an instant, gulping, panting, eyes wide and dark, and a question sparked in the air between them.

And then they crashed into each other, the answer, their lips claiming each other’s desperately, their hands frantic on each other’s bodies, scrabbling, clawing.

Thor practically threw Loki onto the bed.

“This is Tony’s room, right? He has to have lube somewhere…”

Thor rifled through the bedside drawers and came up triumphant.

They were kissing again, Thor pressing Loki deep into the mattress with his weight. Loki could barely breathe and it was only partially due to being crushed. This was happening, this was _happening_ , fuck.

It was nothing he’d ever dreamed of but everything he actually wanted.

It was the scariest thing that had ever happened to him. And that included being almost mugged.

“Loki.” Thor was saying his name over and over again, a litany.

“Yes,” Loki groaned. “Thor.”

“Can I -”

“Yessss.”

With shaking hands, Thor opened the lube and coated himself in it, then Loki, then himself again.

“Come here,” Loki whispered, tugging Thor up for another kiss.

An hour ago, a lifetime ago, this would have been unimaginable. And now it felt inevitable and _right_ and...

He reached down and wrapped his hand around Thor's hand, helping guide him to the right spot, and the two of them pushed him in together.

Thor was big and Loki was tight, and they hadn't prepared at all, but at this point Loki was willing to try with spit and prayers so he gritted his teeth and didn't complain as Thor inched his way in.

God, the burn.

He was quaking, trembling like a leaf in a storm.

He was split down the middle, two halves falling helplessly apart.

But Thor...Thor. He leaned on his elbows and encircled the top of Loki's head with his hands and he kissed him on the mouth, on the eyes, and he pulled Loki back together, made him whole again, stitched him up with lips and tenderness and love.

And, oh god, Thor was all the way in now. He was...god. Loki whimpered involuntarily. This was…

He was Thor's now and Thor was _his_ and he almost wept again for the simple joy of it. They could never be anyone else's after this. How could they? It would be impossible, unthinkable. This was a contract written in indelible ink on their souls, signed and sealed with something he dared not even name.

Fuck. Now who was writing cheesy love poetry?

“I -” Thor said. “Oh god, Loki, I -” He inhaled a deep shuddering breath. “I -”

“ _Ahh_ ,” Loki breathed, high and needy. “Shhh, it's ok, it's - ah -”

They began to move together, trying to find a rhythm, and the burn turned into pleasure. Thor started fucking into him in earnest and Loki huffed out a little moan with every thrust. This was happening, it was real -

“Oh, oh, ah, Thor, god, fuck -”

He was losing all track of time and reality, his whole world narrowing to the drag and slide of Thor's cock inside him. Thor seemed tireless, slamming into him over and over until there was no room left in his head for anything other than _this_ , over and over and over again forever and ever amen.

God, he had never been fucked like this before. It was exquisite torture.

Thor's hands found his and drew them over his head, lacing their fingers together.

“I'm - babe I'm -”

The increasingly erratic pattern of his thrusting spoke for him.

“Yes,” Loki whispered, tightening his grip on Thor's hands.

“Nnnn -” Thor groaned long and low and thrust once more into Loki, hard, and held there, their fingers still intertwined. His mouth searched desperately for Loki's and they kissed as Thor stuttered into him, filling him with come. Fuck, god, yes, fill him up, fill him until he was bursting with it.

Loki pushed up into Thor, taking it, taking it all. He tore his hand away and desperately started stroking his own shaft, but Thor knocked his hand away and took over.

And oh god he was close, he was so close, and he clutched Thor to him and held on while Thor fisted him one, two, three more times, and then ohhhh god Jesus fuck, he was coming, all over both of them, harder than he ever had in his life, hard enough to see stars, and dimly he realized he was sobbing again and what the fuck.

Thor rolled off him to the side but he didn't let go. They clung to each other, heaving, a sweaty sticky smelly mess.

“I never - I never thought -” Thor crushed Loki to him.

“Neither did I,” Loki laughed through his tears. “I really didn't.”

“I love you. So much.”

Loki squeezed his eyes shut and burrowed into Thor's chest.

Love.

Was this love? This thing between them that hurt so deeply and yet healed so completely?

Oh just shut up, brain. Shut up and enjoy this moment. Soak it up, memorize every detail.

“How in the ever loving fuck are we going to clean this up?” Loki said finally.


	14. Chapter 14

Thor ripped the filthy sheets off the bed while Loki locked himself in the bathroom to clean up.

He stared at his face in the mirror for a good five minutes. That it looked the same as always was somehow disconcerting.

Grimacing, he washed himself off the best he could. There was nothing to be done for the smell of sex that clung to him. He got his hands wet and roughly scrubbed at the eyeliner on his cheeks until with a small dismayed cry he fell forward to lean against the sink. Fuck, his hands were shaking. Fuck.

Thor was waiting for him in the hallway.

“I shoved the sheets down the laundry chute,” he said. “I didn’t know what else to do.”

Loki could only nod.

“Let’s go home,” Thor said quietly. “I’ll tell everyone you got too drunk and I need to take you home. Ok?”

“Well that’s not embarrassing or anything.”

“Do you have any better ideas?”

Sigh. “No.”

Thor took his turn in the bathroom while Loki fidgeted in the hallway. He’d balled up his ripped fishnets and shoved them into his shoes, which dangled loosely from his hand.

He wondered how he should feel.

Happy? Sad? Angry?

Mostly, he felt numb.

Abruptly, he remembered Tony waiting for him downstairs. It was so ludicrous he almost laughed.

“Ready?” Thor said and Loki nodded. Haltingly, he reached a hand out to tuck a strand of hair behind Loki’s ear. Loki offered him a tight-lipped smile; it was the best he could manage under the circumstances.

Together, they made their way downstairs.

Loki tried to look as miserable as possible, which wasn’t entirely difficult.

“Yeah he’s not feeling well,” he heard Thor murmuring to Tony. “Too much to drink. Yeah he was puking upstairs. I should probably take him home. Mmhm. Ok. Hey, great party man, thanks for inviting us. Ok you too.”

Then to Sif, “Hey babe I need to go, Loki had too much to drink and he needs to get home. Do you want to stay here or do you want me to take you home? You’re ready to leave too? Hey I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be gone so long.”

The lump in his throat made it hard to swallow.

What the fuck were they doing.

Sif rode shotgun while Loki slumped in the backseat. He watched the streetlights float by almost in a trance. When they pulled over to let Sif out she leaned over and gave Thor a kiss and Loki had to close his eyes.

They pulled into their own driveway fifteen minutes later. None of the lights were on so Frigga probably hadn’t stayed up for them. Small blessings.

Quietly they let themselves in and tiptoed upstairs, then stood awkwardly in the hallway staring at each other in the dark.

“We should probably go to bed,” Thor whispered.

Yeah, probably. “Mm,” Loki managed.

“Are you ok?”

No, he fucking wasn’t ok. “Mm,” he managed again, only higher pitched this time and he felt his face start to fall.

Suddenly Thor was hugging him, enveloping him.

“Oh god, I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“No, not that.” Loki shook his head and pressed his cheek against Thor’s shoulder. He was so overwhelmed all he could do was stand there trying not to cry while Thor held him together yet again.

He should push Thor away right now, go to sleep, and forget this had ever happened. And tomorrow Thor could go out again with Sif and Loki was sure Tony would be happy to hear from him again, and it would all be sensible and normal and not fucking soul-destroying and life-altering.

But…

He turned his head and kissed just under Thor’s jaw. He felt Thor’s sharp inhalation, then Thor turned his head too and they melted into each other’s lips.

But.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Thor said hoarsely.

Loki stared at his ceiling for a very long time before he fell asleep.

***

_Meanwhile, back at Tony’s house -_

_“God I have the biggest case of blue balls right now, I need to - hey, what the fuck? I thought I just bought a new thing of lube, why is it empty? Why doesn’t my bed have sheets on it? DAMMIT PEOPLE WHO’S BEEN GETTING IT ON UP HERE THIS IS A PARTY NOT A BROTHEL I SWEAR TO GOD - *sigh* - at least they cleaned up after themselves.”_


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki's emotions are all over the place

Loki woke up slowly. As last night came swimming back to him he was pathetically grateful that it was Sunday and he wasn’t expected to somehow go to school and be around people like he was a normal functioning human being.

He wanted simultaneously to see Thor and to never see him again. Both prospects seemed equally painful.

This was what it had been leading to from the start, wasn’t it? Ever since the moment his eyes fell on that diary. He had read Thor’s fantasy and he had… _participated_ in it. Willingly. Where else could he possibly have expected this to go? Thor might have been able to keep the secret to himself indefinitely, he was strong like that, but once Loki knew...

He must have wanted it too, on some level. He hadn’t realized it before but it was obvious now. Why else would he have basically tried to seduce his own brother rather than run for the goddamn hills like a normal fucking person?

The sudden notion entered his head that he had actually been seducing himself. It was kind of funny, actually. Funny-sad, not funny-haha, but still pretty fucking funny. Seducing himself into a relationship. Because in the end, even though it had taken him completely by gobsmacked dumbfounded surprise last night, he had wanted it. He had wanted it as much as Thor did.

This was going to be...an adjustment.

He wondered if he should go to Thor’s room. He wanted to, but…

It was impossible to make his limbs work, move him down the hallway, make that first move, make it officially official and not just some drunken mistake that they would both ignore and just carry on carrying on.

So instead he took a shower and got dressed and brushed his teeth and hoped that maybe Thor would be the strong one once again and would find him instead.

*

He’d forgotten that Thor had a Sunday game this weekend and he wasn’t even home. Loki moved through the morning and early afternoon in kind of a half-stupor, blowing off both his parents’ attempts to engage him in any kind of conversation. 

He felt full of restless jitters, his brain covered in a blanket of electric fuzz. He tried to read but his eyes skittered across the page. He tried to play a video game but turned it off after ten minutes.

Eventually, he turned on some music in the basement and pushed all the furniture to the side and just danced. Nothing elaborate or difficult, nothing that required effort. He just closed his eyes and let the music flow into him and take him where it wanted him to go, carrying him along like a leaf on the surface of a flowing river, swirling, eddying, sometimes back but always eventually forward.

He lay on the floor afterward with his arm over his eyes. Upstairs he heard his mother’s footsteps in the kitchen, heard the front door slam as Thor came home, heard Thor’s clomping steps as he went upstairs to shower.

It put a nervous flutter in his stomach. Everything felt balanced on the edge of a knife and he was scared to breathe, scared to see which way it would topple, scared that maybe it wouldn’t topple and would just stay there, terrifyingly wobbly, never letting him rest easy ever again.

He decided to go to his room. Maybe Thor would find him there.

He did.

He came tapping on Loki’s doorframe, his hair still damp from the shower, his eyes lit with what to Loki looked like hope and terror both. Loki felt his heart rise to his throat. Thor. Almost dreamily, he found that all his doubt fell away at the sight of Thor actually standing there, in the flesh, looking at him like that.

“Can I come in?” he said, like he thought Loki might refuse.

Loki got up from where he had been sitting on the bed and drew Thor inside, closing the door behind him and locking it.

Thor had him enfolded in his arms before Loki even finished turning the lock and Loki held him back, his chest aching. He felt so full with emotion that it might burst through his skin.

“So you don’t hate me, then?” Thor said, his voice thick.

Loki laughed. “You idiot.”

They fell on the bed, a tangle of arms and legs. For a while they just lay there with their arms around each other, stroking each other’s backs, planting small kisses on each other’s cheeks and necks. And then Thor kissed the corner of Loki’s mouth and Loki kissed the corner of his, and they explored each other’s faces with lips and tongues and teeth.

It felt so perfect and right that it filled Loki to the brim with no room for other inferior emotions. Loki almost wondered what any of the fuss had been about, their angst, their confusion. Of course this was the way things were meant to be. He and Thor together.

Loki rolled over and pinned Thor to the bed and plundered his neck, drawing a warm chuckle from Thor that went straight to his cock. And then Thor flipped him and pinned _him_ to the bed and kissed his mouth thoroughly until when he pulled back Loki knew his lips must be plump and red from the attention.

Helplessly, he smiled at Thor, full and wide, and bit back a giggle. Thor laughed too and nosed behind his jaw.

“What?” Thor asked.

“I don’t know. I just -”

Thor raised his eyebrows.

“I’m happy.”

Thor kissed him again and pulled back just enough to rub their noses together. “You’re so beautiful when you smile,” he said. “Well, you’re beautiful always, but when you smile your whole face lights up.”

Loki felt himself blush.

“And your lips -” Another kiss. “They’re so soft and red, like…”

“Like flower petals, right?” Loki said playfully.

Thor’s face fell. “What?”

“Like…”

No. Oh no no no. Suddenly he realized what he’d said.

Thor had written that in his _diary_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you didn't think I'd forgotten about that, did you?? D:


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may not be able to update tomorrow, sorry in advance if it's "not"

Maybe, maybe Loki might have been able to play it off, if he hadn’t said “right” and if his face hadn’t given him away utterly. But he had and it did and Thor reared back like Loki had slapped him.

“You read it,” Thor said flatly. “You read my journal.”

“I -”

Thor closed his eyes and turned away.

“When? How long did you know?”

“Thor, I -”

“Oh my god. It’s been _weeks_ hasn’t it. It’s been…” Thor made a choked noise and covered his face with his hands. Loki reached for him, but Thor shrugged his shoulder away at the touch and Loki recoiled. He'd thought his stomach couldn't sink any lower, but there it went, down, down, through the center of the earth.

“It all makes sense now,” he said, looking up, anger creeping into his voice. “That’s why - “ He laughed, a short bark with no humor in it. “That’s why suddenly everywhere I turned, there you were. You were _taunting_ me.”

“It’s not like that,” Loki said desperately, even though it was, because how could he possibly admit to such a thing now? It suddenly seemed like the worst practical joke in the history of practical jokes. How could he have ever thought it was a good idea?

“It’s exactly like that,” Thor said coldly. “Practically licking brownie batter off my face? Wearing that cat costume and shaking your ass and falling all over Tony in front of me? _God_. I was such an idiot. I thought it was me, that I was going crazy, but it was _you_ , you were trying to drive me crazy on purpose. Why?”

“I don’t know,” Loki said miserably. It had seemed so clear, then. It was all a muddy mess now. How could he even begin to articulate -

“You don’t know? You don’t even know.” Thor barked out that laugh again. “Holy shit. I felt so bad. So bad. Did you know that? I wondered if I should just jump in front of a bus.”

He got up and paced to the door and Loki watched him with dread, frozen.

“So you invaded my room, read my private journal, and used it to make my life a living hell for weeks and you don’t even know why?”

Mutely, Loki shook his head, tears spilling down his cheeks, unable to make his voice work in his own defense.

“Did it ever stop being a game? Was any of this even real?” Thor said, and his voice sounded strangled. “Any of it? Because I thought -” The rest of his sentence got choked off and he closed his eyes, grief written across his face.

Loki went towards him and reached for him again but Thor knocked his hand away.

“Don’t touch me right now,” he spat and suddenly Loki’s shock and indecision turned into anger and the words that had been dammed up inside came rushing out.

“Don’t touch you?” he said. “Don’t touch you? Like last night when you picked me up and fucking _spanked_ me? Did you think I wanted you to touch me that way? How dare you ask if this is real, how fucking _dare_ you, when I - when you - my asshole is still sore from your _fucking dick_ , is that real enough for you?” 

Thor winced. “I -”

But Loki was on a roll, practically hyperventilating now.

“And what about Sif, huh? You weren’t too hung up on me to date Sif, were you? No, you just fuck me and then drive your fucking girlfriend home and let her kiss you right in front of me and call her babe. That's what you called me when you were coming inside me, do you remember _that_? I bet you haven’t even talked to her yet, I bet you’re here in my room making out with me and Sif is just sitting at home wondering where the two of you are going to go out tonight. Am I wrong? _Am I_?”

Thor was turned away from him now with his arms crossed tight over his chest and Loki wanted to scream, to beat his hands against that broad back.

“You won’t even deny it,” Loki said venomously.

“And why should I?” Thor practically roared, wheeling around. “You don't get to turn this around on me. I only dated her to spare you from my _unwelcome advances_ , I was trying to protect you, you you, you -”

“What? What am I?”

Thor ground his heels into his eyes and struggled for breath. “If you wanted this too, why didn’t you just tell me?” he said finally, pleadingly. “If you wanted it too, why didn’t you just say so? No, you...you had to...I was so twisted up inside and you _knew_ that, you read that, but you made it into a _game_ \- my god, it’s my fucking soul you were tapdancing through and for you it was just a _Thursday_ and you wanted something fun to do.”

Loki closed his eyes as his anger gave way to guilt. “Maybe it started that way but I wasn’t trying - I didn’t mean -”

 _I didn’t mean to fall in love_. But the sentiment was too big and it lodged in his throat and he swallowed a sob instead.

“But that’s what you did,” Thor said with quiet finality, looking fully into Loki’s face for the first time since this whole horrible argument started, his eyes so blue and so sad. Loki felt his heart breaking. “I need to go.”

“Please, don't go, it's real now, I swear, it's real, Thor please.”

Thor didn't stop. “How am I supposed to trust you?” he said, pushing past Loki to the door.

“I'm sorry,” Loki whispered, hugging himself. Thor paused with his hand on the doorknob.

“I don't know if that's enough.”

Loki was left standing alone in his room, weeping bitterly, with nothing and nobody to blame but himself.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After last chapter's fight I'm going to have a print up a bunch of "team thor" / "team loki" pins and distribute them to all my readers (and then make you fight to death in an arena, I mean, uh, what?). I'm both blown away by and grateful for the response to it!
> 
> In this chapter, we'll see how the species _Homo idioticus_ reacts in times of stress by trying to grab onto human life rafts.

The first time Thor had left him, way back when he had started avoiding Loki whenever he could, Loki had felt angry and determined - angry that his best friend was ditching him with no explanation but also determined to find out why. After finding the diary he had acted out of shock and spite, but the emotions back then had been a good clean burn, hard and bright.

The second time Thor had left him he had felt hurt and confused. They'd gone through something traumatic together and Loki had thought they'd never felt closer, but suddenly Sif was there in his spot at Thor's side and it just didn't make any _sense_. He'd started to unravel then, his heart a messy tangle, and he'd thought it was as simple as it had been before but it wasn't, oh god how it wasn't.

This time, the third time, that mess in his chest finally had a name. When Thor walked out it left him gutted, filleted open like a fish with his innards on display for the world to see, and Loki didn't know if he'd ever recover.

*

Loki felt on eggshells for the next week. Thor didn’t take particular pains to avoid him, but whenever Loki tried to talk him he didn’t engage either, and his polite disinterest almost hurt more than outright shunning would have.

It was ridiculous and childish and -

He was still dating Sif.

At night Loki would lie in his bed clenching his jaw to hold in the tears. When he finally fell asleep he would dream of that parking lot, his face against that dumpster, except in the dream when he called out for Thor no one came and then bad things started to happen and -

He’d wake up sweat-soaked, whimpering, aching for Thor’s arms to be around him.

Or he’d dream of Tony’s room, of big hands holding him weightless in the air, of lips on his neck, and then that awful wonderful burn and -

He’d wake up hard and panting and bring himself off with Thor’s name trapped behind his teeth, and afterwards be furious at his own weakness.

He didn’t sleep very much.

*

Tony texted him.

_Tony: hey there tall dark and handsome  
Tony: feeling better? wanna get coffee with me sometime? soon?_

Loki had been lying on his bed trying unsuccessfully to will himself into getting up and going to dance practice. He stared at the phone for a minute, thinking.

Maybe...maybe this was good? He’d had a good time with Tony despite his ulterior motives. Maybe this could distract him from the _utter shit show_ that was his life right now. It’s not like coffee was a binding contract or anything.

_Loki: sure  
Loki: when were you thinking_

_Tony: today? This is me batting my eyelashes at you_

_Loki: I have dance tonight maybe tomorrow after school?_

_Tony: sounds like a plan. I’ll pick you up?_

_Loki: see you then :)_

This felt good. He realized it was the first time in awhile he’d made a decision for _himself_ with his own happiness in mind instead of Thor’s downfall. And Tony was interesting and seemed to like him. It felt like a step in the right direction. 

Yes. Good. Excellent, even.

He saw Thor later that night after dinner and it was the first time since their fight that he was able to look at him without immediately wanting to throw up.

He was wearing a gray t-shirt that clung to him in all the right places. Loki wondered if Thor was taking a page from his own book, trying to drive _him_ crazy now. Because the way those golden muscles moved and bunched under that tight fabric made him have to avert his eyes and think unsexy thoughts. Thor had to know how good it looked on him.

Fuck, he had never in a million years thought he would be looking at Thor this way. And now he finally was, and Thor wasn’t looking at him back. It was like a cosmic joke.

Or maybe he was wearing that shirt for _Sif_. Her name felt almost like a swear word now for all that she had never been anything but perfectly nice to Loki.

Thinking along these lines was painful and it was useless to speculate, and Thor refused to talk to him right now, so Loki grabbed his phone and went to his room to talk to someone who actually wanted to be around him.

_Loki: hey_

_Tony: what’s up?_

Loki took a picture of himself with the flower crown filter on it, his hair spread alluringly around him on the pillow and sent it with the next message.

_Loki: not much just bored what are you doing?_

_Tony: tinkering in the garage rn_  
_Tony: (closeup of half of Tony’s face with a workbench spread with tools behind him)_

_Loki: I won’t bother you then. Just looking forward to tomorrow :)_

_Tony: no bother_  
_Tony: me too *kissy face emoji*_

For the first time in almost a week, Loki smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [this is Thor in his gray t-shirt](https://raven-brings-light.tumblr.com/post/161362722881) just in case you wanted to be as thirsty as Loki is


	18. Chapter 18

Tony picked Loki up the next day and took him to the same coffee shop they’d basically met at.

“You know, nostalgia,” Tony shrugged.

“We met a week ago,” Loki laughed.

“What can I say, I’m a sentimental guy.”

Loki sipped on some froufrou herbal tea concoction while Tony drank copious amounts of black coffee. They talked and joked and flirted and it was nice, it was really nice. Tony kept touching the back of Loki’s hand, his shoulder, and smiling so genuinely that Loki felt the knot that had been twisted tight inside his chest start to loosen. By the time they were ready to go he felt ten pounds lighter and his own smiles were coming much easier.

Tony stopped in front of Loki’s house to let him out.

“I’d like to see you again,” Tony said. “If you want to.”

“Yeah?” Loki tucked his hair behind his ear.

Tony’s eyes looked so kind, so earnest. “I’m not really looking for anything serious right now so no pressure. Just - casual, non-exclusive. If that’s ok. I like you a lot.”

“I think I’d like that.”

Tony smiled. “I’ll see you later, then?”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Loki smiled too. Tony took his hand and kissed it, and before he could think better of it Loki leaned in and kissed his cheek. “Thanks for the coffee.”

*

It was family dinner night.

Loki was sure that some god somewhere was laughing gleefully at him.

Thor did his best to ignore him, which gave Loki ample opportunity to size him up throughout the meal. Loki had spent the last week feeling simultaneously hurt and guilty and ashamed and embarrassed, and to be honest he probably deserved some (ok a lot of) the guilt, but as he watched Thor’s stupid handsome face chewing its way through a plate of tacos, he started feeling less shame and more righteous anger.

It was a mighty high horse Thor was riding for someone who had done the things he had. At least Loki had apologized.

At one point Loki stared a little too long and Thor caught his eye briefly. Quickly, he looked down at his plate, his heart flipping. God. He was so stupid.

It was always Loki and Thor’s job to wash the dishes afterward and they had it down to assembly line efficiency but it meant they were standing practically shoulder-to-shoulder at the counter.

They worked in silence for a couple of minutes, almost vibrating with tension as they tried so carefully not to bump into each other. But then Loki reached for a dish at the same time as Thor and their hands brushed together.

It felt electric. 

They both snatched their hands away like they’d been burned. Thor turned away slightly and took a deep breath. He must have felt it too. He must have -

“I miss you,” Loki blurted out, and it was the last thing he would have expected to come out of his mouth at that moment. The words hung in the air between them.

Thor covered his face in his hand. It was still wet and drops of water fell onto his face like tears. Loki could hear their parents watching TV in the other room and prayed they would stay there.

Thor looked at him then, really looked at him, with the first open and unguarded expression that Loki had seen since their argument and with a sad little half-smile he said, “I miss you too.”

It sucked the breath right out of Loki’s lungs and he looked down at his feet. “You hurt me a lot too, you know,” he said in a small voice. Fuck, he hated himself right now. He tried to find the anger he’d felt during dinner but all he could find right now was the hole inside him that missed his brother.

“I know - I-I’m sorry.”

Loki closed his eyes.

“Why are you still dating her,” he whispered, his throat so tight it was barely even a sound.

“I’m sorry,” Thor said again, his voice unreadable. Just like he had in the hallway at Tony’s, he reached one hand out and tucked Loki’s hair behind his ear.

Loki felt two tears slip from the corners of his eyes. When he finally looked up, Thor was gone.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks again to lunariagold and darklittlestories who put up with my behind the scenes flailing and who offer invaluable advice and without whom this story probably never would have even gotten off the ground
> 
> And now, some thorki

“See you later” with Tony actually turned out to be “see you sooner.” The very next day they went out for dinner and then went back to Tony’s place and had a few drinks and made out on his couch, grinding together until they both came in their pants.

Loki cleaned up in the bathroom afterwards and even though it was the same bathroom it was such a stark difference from last time. Last time had been - fucking euphoria and total devastation, the highest high and the lowest low of his life. This time was...normal. This was what you were supposed to feel like when you cleaned up after sex. Physically satisfied and emotionally stable and a little sweaty, and not like your goddamn soul had been ripped out through your chest.

Normal.

Safe.

 _Boring,_ a tiny little voice inside him whispered. _Absolutely nothing like finding fucking nirvana on your brother’s cock._

No, this was what he needed right now. He needed space to fucking breathe. And Tony gave him that space and room to be himself away from...away.

Sometimes he felt like he needed Thor like he needed oxygen, but oxygen was wildly combustible and right now Loki felt like he was covered in gasoline and holding a lit match. He needed to stay away for his own fucking safety. If that meant boring, then so be it.

“I think I drank too much to drive you home,” Tony said when he came out. “I’ll call you a Lyft?”

“Thanks, I really appreciate it.”

“Hey, I had a really good time with you tonight.”

Loki smiled and gave him a kiss. “Me too. See you around?”

“You’d better make good on that threat.”

It was only ten when he got home and he was a little tipsy and not ready to call it a night so he decided to go down to the basement and watch a movie.

What he wasn’t expecting to find was Thor, lying on the floor in the dark with tears on his cheeks. It seemed wrong somehow to turn the light on and shine a spotlight on him so Loki paused with his hand on the light switch. 

“I thought you’d be out with Sif,” he said cautiously.

“She dumped me.”

“Oh.”

He should turn around and leave Thor to his misery. It was what he deserved. Instead, against his better judgment, he sat down on the floor by Thor’s head.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Thor made a scoffing noise.

“She said I was ‘emotionally unavailable and that she deserved better,’” he said in a tone like he was quoting her words exactly.

“Ah,” Loki said sagely. “And were you emotionally unavailable and did she deserve better?”

“Yes.”

“I see. You smell like alcohol.”

“So do you.”

It was strange, this conversation they were having on the floor in the dark, pretending for a moment that everything was ok between them. Loki felt vaguely like he was en pointe, balancing on one toe even though he was firmly planted on his ass.

“I never should have gotten together with her,” Thor said finally.

Loki couldn’t help the short laugh that escaped him. “You think?”

“I wanted -”

Loki waited expectantly. Thor covered his face with both hands. The floor was getting hard on his ass so Loki stretched out too, his head next to Thor’s but his body pointing the other direction.

“After the fight. At the gas station,” Thor said. “Before it...I had been trying to stay away from you, you know? Because...you know.”

“Mm.”

“And then...afterwards...I realized that I m-missed you so fucking much and -” Thor took a deep breath. “And that I’d rather try to just be your brother again even if it hurt and...I thought...maybe if I dated someone else the feelings might go away…”

“But they didn't. Why didn't you break up with her after you - after we -”

“I was going to, I wanted to see you first and then I was going to, but then…the journal and...I was really upset ok, I was really h-hurt and and mad and…”

“Did you fuck her?” Loki said quietly. It shouldn't matter but it did. He felt oddly composed, detached, ready for any answer.

“Define fuck.”

“Jesus, Thor, come on.”

“We messed around a little but...not like...no.”

“So you used Sif.”

“Yeah. I guess I did.”

“I'm -” God this was so fucking weird. “I'm trying really hard not to feel like-like you used me too and -” He was going to cry again. Damn.

“Lolo, no,” Thor whispered and his hand groped for Loki's in the dark. 

“If you think,” Loki continued, clutching Thor's hand tightly between them, “that I'd h-have s-sex with you as a fucking game then you don't know me at all.”

His eyes had adjusted to the dark and Thor's face was inches away, his eyes gleaming faintly.

“I'm sorry,” he said. “Lolo, I'm so sorry. I didn’t know what to do and I tried so hard but I fucked everything up.” He reached across with his other hand to touch Loki's cheek.

“Yeah.” Loki closed his eyes and squeezed Thor's hand. “Everything is pretty fucked.”

He was wobbling, wobbling, his balance failing. Thor's nose brushed past his as he scooted closer and Loki inhaled a shuddering breath, and then they were kissing, upside down, top lip against bottom, soft and hesitant and quivery, and Loki fell.

“I can't,” Loki gasped, tearing his lips away. “I can't. I already - I gave you everything and it didn't even matter until you got dumped, I _can’t_ , please.” He was pleading by the end, hating the sound of his own voice.

Thor mutely stroked his cheek and every pass of his thumb was a tiny agony.

“I just - I feel like you left me and you keep leaving me over and over again and - I can't do it again, Thor, I can't, if you leave me again I -”

And here the tears came finally, stupid fat drunken things sliding hotly down his cheeks.

“I love you,” Thor whispered and Loki felt like he'd been stabbed in the heart.

“I know,” he said. Then, an echo of Thor's words to him, “I don't know if it's enough.”

He stood abruptly and scrubbed at his cheeks.

“I need to go.”

He didn't turn to see if Thor watched him leave.

If it was a victory it was a hollow one.


	20. Chapter 20

Loki threw himself into dance for the next few days. He needed to get his shit together for college auditions and that included recording a one-and-a-half minute ballet solo that was supposed to showcase his talents without showing off, and it was a bit of a fine line to walk.

It was hard coming up with choreography to make him soar when every day his heart felt full of lead, weighing him down to the floor, but after some head bashing and hair pulling he thought he had something serviceable.

He got his friend Sigyn to come to the studio after hours to help him record.

“Hey loser,” she said. “I haven't seen you in, like, weeks.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Loki winced. “I've had - I've been busy.”

“Yeah ok whatever. Let's record this bitch.”

Loki took his mark and Sigyn started the music. Thirty seconds into it she waved at him to stop.

“My darling,” she said. “I have been dancing with you since you were five years old and I've never seen you do anything this uninspired before. What gives?”

“Is it really that bad?”

“It's pretty terrible. Even the music is...not so good. You've been busy, huh?”

“That's one way to put it,” Loki sighed, and she must have seen something in his face because she put all her stuff down and came over to give him a hug.

“We're gonna fix it,” she promised. “Starting with that terrible music.”

They rifled through the music in the back room until Sigyn came up triumphant.

“Yes, this one. You'll see. Yes. It will go with your sad face.”

“I do not have a sad face,” Loki protested. “I have a very handsome face.”

“Oh honey.”

She had him start from the top and she took notes on what she felt was working and what wasn't, and they tweaked and massaged it until Loki had to admit it was much better than what he had come up with.

He ran through it again and at the end she was frowning.

“What?”

“I don't know. It's good. But it's still missing...something. That je ne sais quoi, you know?”

Loki kicked at the floor, frustrated. “This is stupid. I'm useless at this right now.”

“No no it's good. Let's practice again and then we'll record it, ok? And if it sucks we'll try again and again until it doesn't.”

“You're a lifesaver,” he said, kissing her forehead.

“I know,” she winked.

Sigyn was right. The new choreography felt good, better than the old stuff by a mile, but his heart just wasn't completely into it tonight. He felt the patterns of it start to settle into his muscles, turn here, kick, glide, pause for effect, but it was mechanical feeling.

“You're going to hate me,” Sigyn said.

“Oh god what now? You're going to cook me dinner too? Because I swear there's only so much niceness -”

“My camera isn't working.”

Of fucking course. They fiddled with the damn thing for twenty minutes to no avail.

“This is the only night we have at the studio this week,” Sigyn fretted. “Ugh I'm so sorry. Maybe we should call your brother.”

“Thor? Why?” Did he snap that a little too harshly?

“He’s got that really good camera with the tripod and he always takes such nice videos of our performances.”

Shit. He did, it was true. And this was the only night they could do this and Thor was home tonight…

Loki swallowed. He couldn't think of a decent excuse to get out of it. His hand felt shaky as he hit dial. Thor probably wouldn't even pick up, he would have every right just to ignore -

“Hey it's me. Yeah I'm ok. I'm - yeah. Listen, could you come to the studio and record me? Sigyn’s camera broke and - mmhm, now if that's ok. Ok. Ok, see you.”

“He's coming?”

“Yeah he's coming.”

A cold gust from the front door announced Thor's arrival. November had brought winter with it and Thor's nose was stupidly adorably pink from the cold.

“Hey,” he said and his smile was like the sunrise and _fuck_ what had Loki just gotten himself into.

His stomach was aflutter, his nerves shot. He'd barely spoken two words to Thor since the basement incident but suddenly it was like they were lying face-to-face in the dark again.

“I, ah, thanks for coming,” Loki stammered.

“Of course,” Thor said. His eyes and voice were so warm. Fuck. This had been an idiotic idea. Moronic, brainless -

“Do you two need a minute or something?” Sigyn asked, breaking the spell.

“I'll just set up over here,” Thor said.

Loki paced nervously. This was fine. Everything was fine. He absolutely wasn't thinking of Thor lifting him by the waist or falling into his bed kissing him or embracing him from behind while he stroked -

No. Goddammit. Think of Thor angry with him in the car, Thor leaving him crying in the middle of his room. Think of him going out with Sif despite cheating on her with - no, no, bad direction, because he was back to Thor's cock now.

Jesus he was a mess. And now Thor was giving him a thumbs up and it was time to start dancing for his future and wasn't that fucking hysterical.

The first go was horrendous, the second hardly better, but by the end of them Loki had worked out some of his jitters and was just starting to get annoyed at himself instead.

“Look at this shit,” he muttered sourly as he leaned in and watched himself pirouette on the tiny screen.

“It's not so bad,” Thor said. Loki suddenly realized how close they were, that he could smell Thor's shampoo, that if he wanted to he could reach over and -

No. He was angry at Thor. Angry, goddammit.

“I think if you just do it again you'll nail it. You've got this, you're an amazing performer, just stop thinking and _perform_ ,” Thor said. He turned his head slightly and gave Loki that thousand-watt smile again.

Fuck. He was so in love.

And Thor was right. He needed to get out of his head and just _feel_ it.

Well.

Sigyn started the music again and this time Loki let it wash over him for a moment, breathing, the gentle swell of the mournful classical guitar building. When he looked up, Thor's eyes met his for just a second and a frisson went down his spine and then he began.

It was different this time, he could tell right away. He channeled all his passion into it, the heartbreaking push and pull of the last few weeks, and he changed a few moves on the fly, made it into a story he told with his body. _Watch me_ , it said, _look at me. Share in my heartbreak._

When he at last looked up, Sigyn clapped and whistled and Thor's eyes looked suspiciously bright.

“You nailed it, babe!” Sigyn whooped. “That was incredible!”

Loki locked eyes helplessly with Thor. _Share in my heartbreak,_ his said, and, _I'm sorry_.

 _I am_ , Thor's replied, and, _Me too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm imagining [this](https://youtu.be/_yVXMMSRKTc) as the music. Feel free to pick your favorite minute and a half of it. :)


	21. Chapter 21

The next day Thor showed up at Loki’s bedroom door twisting a folded piece of paper nervously in his hands.

“Here,” he said, unceremoniously shoving it at Loki. “Please read this. _Not_ in front of me.”

“What is -”

“Just read it, ok?” Thor looked so earnest and so like he was about to throw up that Loki took pity on him and didn’t say anything snarky.

“Ok.”

Thor turned to leave and then whirled back.

“You don’t have to - say anything. Right away. At least.”

“Ok.” Man, Thor was really worked up. Whatever was in that paper must be pretty good. 

Thor looked like he was about to reach for Loki and for one wild second Loki thought he meant to kiss him again. His stomach did a thing and he blinked once, long and slow, and he wasn’t sure if it was in terror or in anticipation - but then Thor was turning again, and then he was gone.

*

_Loki -_

_Please don’t throw this letter away. You’ve already read my thoughts before so I hope you’ll take the time to read them again. There’s so much I want to say to you but it’s so hard to say in person. I’m better at writing than at talking (which is why I started that stupid journal in the first place) so I’m going to try it this way._

_I messed up. I know that. I’ve made a lot of stupid decisions but I wanted to let you know that they all came from a place of love. You have to believe me when I tell you that I had absolutely no idea you could possibly feel the same way that I did. I’ve always been older and bigger than you and I’ve always felt like your protector (don’t roll your eyes at me like that), and I felt like that’s what I was doing again, that I was trying to protect you, only this time it was from myself._

_That doesn’t excuse how I acted after I found out you’d read my journal though. I freaked out and I’m sorry. I don’t think I can say anything that will make it better and I’m not going to make excuses for myself, but I am SO SORRY. I was unfair to you and I was unfair to Sif. All I can promise you is that I’ve never felt worse about anything in my life and that I swear to all things holy and unholy that I will try to never hurt you like that again._

_I really do love you, ok? I love you. I. Love. You._

_I’ve loved you for longer than I can even remember you, because who can remember being a baby? And I don’t just love you, I am IN LOVE with you. I’ve never said or written that before and I’m so nervous about it I’m shaking but I want you to know. Even if you hate me or never want to have anything to do with me again._

_I’m still hurt that you read my journal and did the things you did. But I forgive you. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it and I tried to think about how I would feel if suddenly you started ignoring me out of nowhere and I can’t honestly say I wouldn’t have maybe done the same thing. It was still shitty but I get it. And I’m not sorry for being upset about it but I am still sorry for how I acted afterwards._

_We’ve both done shitty things to each other (what else is new, we’ve been beating each other up since we were three). But I hope that we can try to move past it._

_What you said to me in the basement. About me leaving you. I didn’t think I could feel worse than I did, but like in everything else you do you continue to surprise me with your ability to drive me fucking crazy. But you were right. I haven’t really given you any reason to trust me. From the start I’ve been making unilateral decisions that affect both of us and it’s not fair of me._

_If you give me another chance I promise I won’t do that anymore. I promise I won’t make decisions that affect you without talking to you first. I promise I will put you first ahead of everyone and I’ll do everything I can to make you happy and make you smile. I miss your smile so much. I miss you so much. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe without you, like everything is just dull and pointless and crappy._

_The night that we - it was really intense and I think about it every day. But I think the happiest thirty minutes of my life so far were when I came to your room the next day and we were just kissing and I had never dreamed you could feel the same way I did but you did and it was the most amazing thing I ever felt and this is a terrible run on sentence but I really mean it ok._

_I want to do better. Please give me a chance to do better. I want to be with you. Please tell me I didn’t fuck it up forever._

_I wrote this about eighteen times trying to get it right. You can keep it for blackmail if you want, I probably deserve it._

_LOVE,  
Thor_

*

Loki went to sleep with the tear-stained letter tucked under his pillow.


	22. Chapter 22

Tony sat on one end of the couch. Loki was sprawled across the rest of it with his head on Tony’s leg, staring somewhere out past Pluto while Tony lightly stroked his hair.

“I don’t think you’ve watched a single second of this movie,” Tony said.

“What?”

“Where are you today?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you sure aren’t here.” Tony’s voice held a smile in it.

“I just - I’m thinking.”

“About what?”

“It’s...complicated?”

“Try me.” Tony’s hand on his hair was rhythmic, soothing.

Loki closed his eyes and tried to marshal his thoughts.

“So there’s this person,” he started.

“A guy?”

“Yeah, a guy. And - we had a thing. A good thing. A _really_ good thing.” He stopped for a minute and pressed his cheek harder into Tony’s thigh.

“And - and we both fucked it up.”

“I see.”

“And he wants to try again.”

“But you don’t want to?”

“I - the good was _so_ good, you know? It was the happiest I’ve ever been. But the bad was -” He took a deep breath. “It was - _is_ \- really fucking bad. And I miss the good so much -” and now he was whispering “- but I’m scared it will all just go to shit again.”

“Hmm,” Tony said, his hand stilling. “Well, I don’t know all the specifics obviously, but for me personally, it seems like nothing excellent in life comes without risks. Sure you might fail, but also you might _succeed_ , and either way at least you’re doing something exciting. You can’t get a big reward without a big risk and isn’t that what makes it worth it in the end? If you avoid that all the time what do you have - you have nothing, you have boredom, it’s like - what even is the point of life really at that point, you know?”

“So you think I should do it?”

“Well I can’t make that decision for you but your voice even sounds different when you talk about this guy - it seems like the potential for happiness is seriously there.”

“Mm.”

“And if you do try it and it does fail, you’re not alone. You’ve got friends. You’ve got me. I can’t say I love the idea of giving you up but I care for you and I want you to be happy. And if it doesn’t work I’ll be here waiting for you.”

Loki felt himself tearing up.

“That is - that is honestly one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me,” he sniffled. “Thank you.” He turned his head to look up into Tony’s face and Tony smiled down at him. Loki reached up to touch his cheek and Tony bent down and gave him a soft kiss.

“You just gotta tell me one thing,” Tony said and waggled his eyebrows, “does he have a nicer ass than I do?”

Loki was startled into a guffaw. “Wouldn’t you like to know,” he smirked.

When he went home later Tony gave him a hug and a kiss and a sad smile and it felt a lot like saying goodbye.

*

Loki lay on his bed tossing a beanbag up in the air and catching it over and over, mesmerized. He’d just read Thor’s letter for the fifth - ok tenth - fine, seventeenth time. Tony’s words kept running through his head. No reward without the risk. Was the reward worth it?

Was Thor worth it?

What kind of idiotic question was that.

Thor was worth everything. That was the whole fucking problem, wasn’t it? That one person could mean so much, could _be_ so much. It was honestly terrifying.

And Thor had used to mean _safety_ and now he felt the opposite of that - he felt wild and dangerous and, and, _passionate_ , and -

But he was still safety in a way, wasn’t he? Not just the way he physically protected Loki, but also the comfort of his unshakeable love. Because, shit, if the events of the last month hadn’t been enough to make Thor stop loving him, then nothing would.

It still felt scary to put so much of himself at the mercy of someone else. But...but maybe it went both ways. Maybe Thor was feeling as vulnerable as he was in this whole thing. Maybe...maybe they would have to promise to keep _each other_ safe.

He missed one of his tosses and the beanbag hit him square on the nose. Sighing, he rolled onto his side and pulled the letter out from under his pillow. Thor’s handwriting stared back at him, confessions of love spelled out in barely legible chicken scratch. He could feel the ghost of that upside down kiss on his lips.

Ok. Ok.

He walked down the hallway to Thor’s room. The door was cracked open and Thor was on his bed doing homework and listening to his earbuds. Loki’s stomach flipped like he was cresting the top of a rollercoaster and had just caught a glimpse of the drop in front of him before the free fall set in.

“Hey,” Loki said loudly. Thor turned to look at him, slowly, so slowly, his expression neutral, but Loki could see the trepidation in his eyes. “We need to talk.”


	23. Chapter 23

Thor pulled his earbuds out. Loki carefully reached behind him and pulled the door shut. Everything seemed like it was moving in slow motion. Absently he noted Thor’s throat working as he swallowed, his shaking hands as he tucked his hair behind his ears. Loki took one step into the room, then two, then he was holding his arms out and Thor was surging into them, burying his face in Loki’s neck.

“I want to be with you too,” Loki said, his voice catching. “So much.” 

They stood locked together, Loki running his hands over Thor’s hair, Thor wrapping his arms all the way around Loki’s back. It felt so right, like their arms had been made to hold each other. Like they had been lost in the wilderness and now they were home.

“I’m scared though,” he said, his voice a strangled whisper.

“I am too.” Thor pulled back to look at his face and his eyes were brimming with tears. He half laughed half choked. “I’m terrified,” he admitted, his thumbs stroking Loki’s cheeks. Oh good, that made two of them. It was oddly comforting.

“I’m so sorry,” Loki said, his heart clenching, “for everything, I’m sorry, I’m -”

“Shhh,” Thor said and quieted him with a kiss. “I already forgave you. I’m sorry too.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Loki said miserably.

“You’re pretty dumb for a smart person.”

Loki huffed out a little laugh and Thor dipped in to kiss him again, their lips curving into smiles. How had it taken them so long to discover this thing between them? How had they ever given it up once they had?

“Who could ever love you more than I do?” Thor murmured. “No one. No one could. No one.” And he was kissing Loki between each affirmation until finally Loki was laughing for real.

“Hey,” Loki said, putting both hands on Thor's chest and pushing him firmly back. “Hey. If we do this, it's going to be really fucking hard. No one can -”

“No one can know,” Thor said softly. “I know.” 

Loki closed his eyes and rested his forehead on his brother's shoulder. His brother. This was madness. It was so wrong.

But with Thor's arms around him and the taste of his kisses on his lips, it felt like the rightest thing in the world.

“So you forgive me, then?” Thor said, pressing his cheek against the top of Loki's head, and Loki felt the rumble of his voice all through his body and down to his toes.

“This time, anyway,” Loki smiled. He meant it to be teasing, light, but it came out slightly more bitter than that.

Thor sighed and tightened his hold around Loki's waist. “I can't promise I'll never fuck up again,” he said. “But if I do, I hope we can work it out. Together. You know I never want to hurt you.”

“It's ok, I was just joking.”

“No, but seriously.” Thor stepped away and ran his hand through his hair. “I'm not perfect. I _am_ going to fuck up again. We both will. We both need to promise to - that we won't - shit, no one is going to be able to help us through this stuff, we need to trust each other to -” 

God, look at him, so beautiful and sincere and...Loki felt a swell of tenderness in his chest that threatened to knock him over with its intensity.

“Hey, hey, I know, ok? I know. I really really do.” Did he ever know. It was the crux of everything.

“Promise me -” and Thor's honest blue eyes were boring into him, fixing him in place, “- just promise me that this is real, that we're going to do this for real, and there's no games and -”

“I promise,” Loki whispered. “And you have to promise me to stop leaving me for my own good. Because it's not good, I'm no good without you, I'm broken, I'm garbage, I'm -”

Thor was kissing him again and Loki collapsed against him.

“Don't talk about yourself that way,” Thor said, low and intense. “I promise. You won't be able to get rid of me, I'll chain myself to you and sing you love songs until you beg me to leave, but I won't, I'll just kiss you -” and he did, “- and kiss you -”

Loki threw his arms around Thor's neck and flung himself into the kisses with wild abandon and then Thor was lifting him bridal style and tossing him onto the bed. And Loki held his arms and legs out wide and Thor crawled over him and they rolled together, limbs entwined, proclaiming their need for each other in sighs and breathless moans, in the drag of lips over exposed skin and the thickening of their cocks.

Loki felt a trembling start inside him.

“Wait,” he gasped. “I don't want -” He felt himself blush and he hid his face in Thor's neck. He didn't think he could look at Thor's face and get the next words out. “I don't want to have s-sex sex.”

“Are you ok?” Thor asked, concerned.

“Yeah, I just - it was so much last time, it was so fast, I wasn't ready, I'm not ready -” Ugh he was babbling.

“I thought you said I didn’t hurt you.”

“You didn’t. Not...physically.”

“Oh, Lolo.” 

They lay on their sides holding each other tightly, both sniffling. 

“I'm so sorry,” Thor choked out.

“I think we’ve both said sorry enough for the next year at least,” Loki said shakily. “It’s ok. I want to do it again. If-if you want. But not yet.”

Thor was silent and Loki ran one hand up into his hair and kissed his cheek.

“I do love you, you know,” he whispered.

When Loki finally went back to his room hours later he fell asleep with a smile on his face and the smell of Thor on his body and a lightness in his heart that he couldn’t remember ever feeling before.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, you guys. <3 This one is extra long because there was no good way to split it up. Hope you enjoy. <3

In the days that followed, Thor’s secret that had been his alone to hold onto and struggle with for so long became _their_ secret. And it was the most delicious of secrets - stolen minutes in each other’s rooms, more than they expected but less than they wanted, laughing and kissing and touching, learning how to be this new thing that neither of them had ever really dared to dream of before.

Loki was the happiest he’d ever been in his life. And Thor seemed happy too, his radiant smiles warming Loki from the inside out every time they were turned his way (which was often now, if truth be told).

He didn’t even mind the secrecy, for now at least. In fact, it seemed to make their time together more thrilling.

It was family dinner the week before Thanksgiving and Loki was nudging Thor’s foot under the table.

“I want you boys to take a separate car to Uncle Freyr’s,” Odin said through a mouthful of carrots.

“What? Why?” Thor asked.

“Also, gross,” Loki said. “At least swallow your food first.”

“Your father and I are going to stay the whole weekend. Your Aunt Gerd just had surgery on her knees and they need someone to help out a little.”

“Try not to blow up the house while we’re gone,” Odin said. “You can have friends over if you like, but be smart.” He gave each of them a stern look.

Loki felt a tingle of nervous excitement in his stomach. They would have _three whole days_ in the house together, just the two of them. Furtively he glanced over at Thor, who was deliberately wiping his mouth with his napkin.

“Ok,” Thor said. _Ok?_

“We’ll be fine,” Loki said cheerfully, stomping on Thor’s toe. “We’ll even take the garbage out. Right?”

“Uh, right.”

Frigga was giving them a look.

“I can see the gears turning in your heads, you turkeys,” she said. “We already said you can have some friends over if you want. Just don’t do anything illegal. And don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Well, that doesn’t rule out the illegal stuff,” Loki grinned.

“Ok, mom,” Thor said, stomping right back on Loki’s foot and making him squirm. “We’ll be fine. Honest.”

“Children,” Odin sighed, getting up to bring his dishes over to the counter. “What did we ever do to deserve children?”

“Had sex?” Loki called out after him as he grumbled off into the living room.

“ _Loki_ ,” Thor hissed, laughing.

Frigga came over and kissed each of them on the top of the head.

“I know you’re good boys,” she said. “And I trust you. Now clean up.”

The days until Thanksgiving crawled by, then the ride to Uncle Freyr’s crawled by, then the dinner itself was actually pretty good because _food_ , but then they had to stay and _talk_ with well-meaning relatives and Loki was so keyed up that he could hardly even stand still let alone concentrate on small talk.

 _“So what college are you going to next year?” “Are you going to study dance?” “How’s your senior year going?”_ On and on and on. Loki desperately wished he could just walk up and put his arm around Thor the way he wanted to, snuggle into his side and siphon off some of his sunny warmth and a bit of his mental fortitude. He had to settle for shared glances and “accidental” touches until he was practically hopping to get in the car and leave.

“We have to go,” Thor was saying apologetically to some aunt or another, “we need to get home before midnight, yeah it was great to see you too, yeah we should definitely visit more often, ok I love you too, yes of course we’ll drive safe.”

Loki dragged him out the door eagerly. Their car was parked at the end of a long wooded driveway and it was so dark and the tree trunks were so large…

Thor had the same idea he did and before Loki even knew what was happening Thor had him crowded up against the cold bark of a fat oak tree.

“I thought they’d never let us leave,” he murmured against Loki’s lips, sucking the lower one into his mouth and swiping at it with his tongue.

“Mmm,” Loki agreed, melting backward and letting Thor plunder his mouth. “ _Ah_ ,” he gasped as Thor sucked his earlobe and chills went down his arms that had nothing to do with the cold.

“Thor?” someone said, one of the eight hundred different cousins it sounded like, and Thor leaped away and ran the back of his hand hastily over his mouth. “Hey man, you forgot your scarf. Glad I caught you before I left. Where’s Loki?”

“Here,” Loki said, giving a tight-lipped smile and waving, still leaning against tree. Casual, act casual.

“Oh, hey man. It was good to see you guys. Happy Thanksgiving!”

“You too,” Thor said.

“That was close,” Loki breathed as the cousin’s footsteps receded. “Let’s get home.”

Thor drove fifteen over the speed limit the entire way. They had barely closed the front door behind them before Loki turned and threw himself at Thor and Thor lifted him in the air, spinning them both around.

“We can do this anywhere we want this weekend,” Loki grinned.

“We can do this _everywhere_ we want this weekend,” Thor agreed, his eyes sparkling.

“Anywhere” tonight turned out to be the couch in the living room, with Thor swallowing Loki down until he arched off the cushions and spent down his throat and then Loki returning the favor, followed by sleeping in the same bed for the first time since they were children.

Loki felt almost shy as he laid his head on broad Thor’s chest and wrapped an arm around his stomach. Would he drool? Would he kick in his sleep? It felt strangely intimate in a way that just fooling around didn’t.

Thor woke up in the early hours of the morning and spooned into him, nuzzling at the juncture of his neck and shoulder, rubbing one big hand up and down his chest, squeezing his hip, and Loki slowly swam out of sleep and pressed back into him. 

This felt like stolen time, this in-between hour and these in-between days, a strange sort of dreamy space where they could pretend they were the only two people in the world and that they could have this all the time. A sudden melancholy gripped Loki and he turned in Thor’s arms and kissed him desperately until the only feelings left were Thor’s breath in his lungs and Thor’s hands on his cock and Thor’s name on his lips as he came.

He thought he’d been in love before, but it was nothing compared to how in love he felt now. It was sharp and it hurt and he would die a hundred deaths before he would give it up.

They spent the next day at home, never more than a few inches apart, and “anywhere” today turned out to be the kitchen table where for the first time Loki slicked his fingers up and entered Thor, his questing touch finding a spot inside that made Thor twist and moan so beautifully that Loki almost came himself just watching and listening. He used his other hand on Thor's cock and Thor pulled him in for a sloppy kiss, open mouthed and filthy, and with a shudder he spent all over both of them, then used his own come as lube to bring Loki off right after him.

They ordered pizza for dinner and snuggled on the basement couch with a movie, careless, carefree, no one’s eyes on them but their own.

“Will you sleep with me again tonight?” Thor breathed in Loki’s ear. “I loved so much waking up next to you.”

Such casual deep affection still left Loki breathless and he could answer yes only with a wordless kiss.

He had the dream again tonight, where his face was being ground into the dumpster while his attackers laughed. Fear gripped him, paralyzing, and he tried to make his voice work to call for help. It lodged in his throat, and then he knew the bad things were about to start happening, and _Thor_ he tried desperately to call out, _Thor_ , but Thor hadn’t rescued him in his dreams in weeks and -

He woke with a start, his heart racing, and Thor was _there_ , he was right there, and his arm was tight across Loki’s shoulders, big and warm and protective and -

With a small stifled sob he buried himself into Thor’s chest.

“What is it, babe?” Thor asked sleepily, raising his hand to stroke Loki’s hair.

“You’re here,” Loki said, nonsensically.

Thor kept stroking his hair. “I am,” he agreed. “I’ll always be here.”

“I keep dreaming about - that gas station and those guys and what would have happened if you hadn’t come -”

“But I did,” Thor said. “You’re safe. It’s just a dream.”

“I’m safe,” Loki repeated. “Thor. Thor. I love you so much -” And then Thor was kissing the tears from his cheeks, kissing his eyelids, and Loki clung to him fiercely.

“I’m ready,” Loki said. “I want you to - please -”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Please. I need you. I need you.”

“Lolo,” Thor whispered brokenly.

It was slower this time, less fraught. They took their time kissing and caressing, Thor murmuring endearments until Loki blushed and working him open so patiently and gently that Loki wanted to weep with gratitude and frustration both.

“Are you really sure?” Thor said again, the lubed head of his cock resting at Loki’s entrance. “I don’t want - I want you so much but I don’t want to hurt you again.”

“I’m really sure,” Loki said. “Really really. I’m ready this time.” He reached up and stroked Thor’s face, smoothing out his concerned expression. What had he done to deserve someone like this?

They both groaned as Thor pushed in and Loki wrapped his legs around Thor’s waist, pulling him in closer and closer until finally they were flush together. It still burned, but Loki felt so full and loved and _complete_ that nothing short of a house fire would have made him stop. Thor’s arms bracketed him, his muscles flexing and tensing, caging him in, making him feel so small and yet so sheltered, safe, cherished.

Loki knew then that he would trust Thor with his life, _had_ trusted him with his life, but it was more than just physical safety, it was his heart and spirit as well, and Thor would safeguard all of them in the vast cradle of his hands.

“I’m yours,” Loki whispered. “Always.”

“We’re each other’s,” Thor promised, kissing him.

They started moving together, gently at first, until they were both aching for more, faster, _more_.

“Harder,” Loki gasped. “ _Ahhh_ , god, harder.”

Thor growled and his thrusting grew in intensity until Loki could do nothing but throw his arms out to the sides and grip the sheets as Thor slammed into him again and again, his own cock bouncing against his stomach with each stroke, and it was ecstasy right on the edge of agony.

And Thor was groaning too, and he rose up on his knees and put Loki’s ankles up over his shoulders and grabbed his hips, and sank in over and over and over and -

Loki was making high pitched noises, _mewling_ , and Thor was grunting, low and primal and Loki was out of his goddamn mind, he was floating somewhere up above his body looking down on it, and it was so much it was so much - he was about to - ahhhh, god, fuck, Thor was hitting just the right spot and - he held his breath and felt his whole body tense like a spring, holding perfectly still for just two more seconds because - yes, right there right there right -

With one long unbroken cry Loki felt a dam burst inside him, pulsing through him in waves of toe-curling pleasure, his cock shooting thick ropes of come all over his own belly, and he melted limply into the mattress. And Thor kept fucking him through the comedown until with a strangled moan he drove in once and held there, falling forward over Loki and burying himself in Loki’s neck as his hips stuttered weakly a few more times.

They lay tangled in a sweaty heap for long minutes, catching their breath, coming back to reality.

Loki spoke softly, hesitant to break the silence. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Waiting. For me to be ready again.”

Thor hugged him closer.

“Thank _you_ ,” he said.

“For what, the amazing sex?” Loki smirked.

“For being you. For loving me.”

“You’re so cheesy,” Loki complained, pleased, and Thor hummed his agreement. “So I’ve been wondering. Your diary. What does VV mean anyway?”

“Ah,” Thor said. He held up his left hand and made an L shape with his thumb and forefinger. “Lolo. Two L’s.” He tipped his hand over slightly to the left. “L turns into a V.”

Loki laughed helplessly. “Oh my god, you are the worst at secret codes.”

Thor shrugged happily. “Well it ended up getting us together, didn’t it?”

“I suppose it did.”

This whole crazy dance had started with Loki sneaking into Thor’s room and reading his diary, but back then they had been completely out of step, two confused dancers who weren’t even listening to the same music.

Loki was still sneaking into Thor’s room but it was different now. They had found their shared melody, their once disparate gyrations settling into a stable duet. When Loki leaped, Thor was there to catch him.

And dancing was hard, so hard. They were bound to make missteps, both of them, but like any good dancing partnership they would each be there to support the other, pick them up off the ground, kiss the injury better, and keep on moving.

Thor pressed a long kiss to Loki’s temple and Loki sighed contentedly. 

He couldn’t ask for a better dancing partner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in ballet, a _grand pas de deux_ is a romantic duet usually in five parts. There’s the entrée or introduction, which in this story was Loki finding the diary. This is followed by the adagio where the two dancers come together in an elaborate fashion, often with one partner lifting the other - which in this story was Loki’s teasing followed by the attack at the gas station and then the Halloween party (and of course I had Thor picking Loki up a lot XD). After the adagio, each dancer gets their own solo, which we saw when Thor and Loki each decided not to pursue the relationship for different reasons. And finally there is the coda, which echoes the themes of the entrée and ends in a grand musical climax, which I hope is self-explanatory in this story, haha.
> 
> I’m still a little blown away by the response to this story! I had a lot of fun writing this and I’d like to thank each and every reader who followed along with me and left kudos and comments, those who just followed along silently, and also those who might be finding this story later after its completion. I love you all!
> 
> For anyone who wondered what happened afterwards -
> 
> Soon after Loki left him, Mr. Non-Exclusive Tony met Pepper and fell madly, exclusively in love.
> 
> Sif dumped Thor’s unresponsive ass and met Natasha, a redhead bombshell. Natasha keeps joking that someone needs to buy her a toaster for bagging Sif, to which Sif responds, ”Sweetheart, I was never straight.”
> 
> Tony still hosts elaborate parties and everyone comes, including Thor and Loki, although nowadays they wait until after they get home to defile the sheets.
> 
> Frigga knows they have some kind of secret but she’s not sure what it is and they seem so happy about it she doesn’t want to ask.


End file.
